Kick It Up A Notch!
by the zapdos
Summary: Are you sad there will be no more new episodes of your favorite show, Phineas and Ferb? Here's something to help cheer you up. It is an assembly of one-shots where each chapter is an original "fan-made" episode. Even though they are all written by me, I own no part of the actual show. The perfect place to turn to if you still can't get enough P&F!
1. Episode 1

**I won't say it again: I do not own Phineas and Ferb or anything related thereto.**

Episode 1: Teeth and Trampolines

All was quiet as the clear morning light danced playfully through the window, giving shape to the room in which the two boys enjoyed their final moments of slumber. On the nightstand an alarm clock shone the time 6:59 for only a moment before reaching a new hour and setting off the alarm.

"Good morning, Tri-State Area!" Phineas and Ferb awoke to the cheerful voice of the morning radio host. "It's another beautiful summer day, so hold on to your platypuses, and make it a great one."

"Sounds like a plan to me!" Phineas said, stretching. "Hey Ferb, wake up! We're not having our best sleep in day ever until next week!" As Ferb stirred, he accidentally bumped Perry, receiving a mildly annoyed chirp.

"Good morning, Perry," Phineas said, while Ferb picked up the platypus and held him high in the air.

"Grdrdrdrdrdrdrd," the platypus chattered in response.

Phineas shifted to shut off the alarm, but suddenly something the speaker said stopped him. "And good morning to you, too! It's such a marvelous, magnificent, wonderful, happy, bright, shining day today! I can't even begin to describe how much it just warms my insides to be the first thing you hear on such a great day! It pleases me beyond measure! It delights me without end! It—hey, how did all you people get in here? It's supposed to be locked! What's that you say? No; no I am not too cheerful to be a morning talk show host! It's literally part of the job descript—hey! Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to _please_ put that down. Yes, down! No! Not right there, you'll cut the—BZZT!" Just like that, the room was silent once more.

Phineas gave Ferb a quizzical look before a different voice addressed them from the radio. "I'm sorry, we seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties." Then a soft instrumental tone began to play a familiar tune.

_{Bow chika bow-wow, that's what my baby says!  
>Mow-mow-mow, and my heart starts pumping!}<em>

Phineas turned off the radio and sat down on his bed. "So, what should we do today?" He said, bringing his hand to his chin in thought. "I know! We can build a motorcycle that transforms into an airplane! No wait, we've already done that. How about we make a slinky that can do that thing slinkys do, you know, like this?" He gestured to Ferb by revolving his fingers around in a circle to demonstrate. "But we will do it from the tallest skyscraper in Danville!" Ferb's expression didn't change. "You're right, Ferb, that might be considered invasive to the private sector." The wheels in his brain continued to churn. "I know! We could build a microscopic pogo stick!"

"What benefit would a microscopic pogo stick have over a regular one?" Ferb asked.

"I don't know," Phineas responded. "It could probably bounce higher. No, you're right, Ferb. We can do better than that. We should do something simple, something that everybody loves, a toy that every child dreams of having. Say, Ferb, what's your favorite toy?"

Ferb didn't hesitate. "A Ferb-E," he said, holding out a furry green stuffed animal that looked like a brick crossed with an alien.

The toy, noticing it was holding the boys' attention, squawked in a high-pitched voice, "Easter! Easter! Easter egg, Easter egg, Easter egg!"

Phineas recoiled. "Dude! Why do you still have that thing? It's creeping me out!"

Ferb set the toy back on his bed next to Perry. Perry warily glanced at the Ferb-E and emitted a warning chirrup. "You tell it, Perry. We are so not making another one of those things," Phineas proclaimed while he headed over to the computer the two shared. After a quick internet search, Phineas announced, "I got it! It says here that the most popular toy of all time is a trampoline! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Ferb's expression was unreadable as always.

"Then it's decided!" Phineas agreed. "We'll build the coolest trampoline ever! Hey, where's Perry?"

The two boys turned and saw that the platypus was no longer laying on Ferb's bed. The Ferb-E, noticing the break in noise, began to sing, "Doo-bee doo-bee doo-bah! Doo-bee doo-bee doo-bah!"

* * *

><p>Agent P fell into his lair and climbed into his red seat. The screen above him flickered on to display the face of Major Monogram. "Good morning, Agent P. The evil Doctor Doofenshmirtz is at it again. We don't know what he's planning, but our analysts, and by that I mean Carl, say he's been researching dental hygiene. Which normally I'd say is technically good; but most people are afraid of getting going to the dentist, so whatever he's up to is probably evil. Make sure it gets eliminated." With a salute, the secret agent departed in his hover car.<p>

* * *

><p>"Gahhhhhh, there's nothing to dooooooo," Candace drawled while she lay half moping on her bed and half hanging over the side. "The only thing that takes my mind off being so bored is busting my brothers, and I'd be better off trying to eat my own foot. Well," she reasoned, slowly picking herself up, "might as well go see what they're up to this time. Not that it'll do any good…"<p>

Meanwhile, the boys were busily working. As Ferb was hammering away overhead and Phineas was tightening some screws into a metal frame, the quirky-worky song ended in the background: _Bah-duh-dee-dee-dah, bada da da dah._ Without warning their teenage sister appeared beside Phineas.

"Alright," Candace said unenthusiastically, "let's get this over with. Phineas, what are you up to?"

Phineas turned away from his work to look up at her. "Ferb and I decided to build a trampoline today."

"A trampoline?" Candace cocked an eyebrow, looking unimpressed. "Isn't that a little too _possible_ to be up to your standards?"

"Yes, yes it is," Phineas responded, causing her to roll her eyes. "But we aren't just making an ordinary trampoline; you'll see."

"Well unless Mom sees, I don't really care." Candace turned to walk back to her room. In a monotone voice she added, "I'll be back to bust once I overcome my state of depressed boredom and ennui."

"I hear grilled-cheese helps fight those negative feelings," Phineas advised as she closed the door behind her.

"I don't take advice from little brothers!" He heard her yell through the window.

* * *

><p><em>Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated<em>

The hover car took no notice of the fact that there was a wall in the way and smashed right into the living room. Agent P leapt out and quickly pressed a button on the outside of the craft, causing it to instantaneously fold itself into a briefcase.

"You can hang that over there on the coat rack if you'd like," Doofenshmirtz said with an unamused demeanor, as by now he was quite used to having his wall smashed through. Agent P set the briefcase on one of the rungs and accidentally activated a hidden switch. Two ropes lashed out and bound him by the wrists, hanging him up with his arms overhead and causing his webbed feet to dangle a couple inches off the floor.

"Haha! You fell right into my trap!" Doofenshmirtz gleefully gestured. "Sorry, I didn't mean to _rope_ you into this." Turning, the evil scientist walked towards a strange shape covered in a white sheet.

"Now, Perry the Platypus, you will witness my latest creation. Behold," Doofenshmirtz theatrically grabbed the sheet and flung it off the device, "my Wisdom-teeth-inator!" A small bench was revealed, sporting a cushion for laying on, while multiple strange mechanical claws stuck out of the sides and rested curled up over the top, like two rows of scorpion tails.

"I bet you are wondering what it does. Well, it all started back in my childhood. In Gimmelstump, very few children ever had their wisdom teeth removed. Most parents were too poor to afford the operation, and most doctors weren't skilled enough to perform it." Doofenshmirtz remembered in a flashback the image of a doctor trying to figure out by the light of a torch how to plug in a drill when there was no electricity. Reverting back to the present, he continued, "Sadly, I don't have any insurance so I still cannot afford to get my wisdom teeth pulled, hence I invented this machine to do it painlessly for me. Unfortunately for you, Perry the Platypus, the procedure will leave me temporarily vulnerable to your attacks, so I'm gonna have to leave you tied up until it's finished." Agent P tried pulling himself up to gnaw at the ropes, but struggled to make any headway.

Doofenshmirtz climbed onto the bench and laid back. "Oh, wait!" He announced, sitting bolt upright. "I can't forget the sleeping gas, so I don't feel any of the pain. Here we go," said he, placing a clear plastic mask over his face. "Within moments, Perry the Platypus," he continued as he laid back down, "I will be sleeping peacefully, and you will be—." The last sound he made was a loud snore as the claws went to work.

* * *

><p><em>I am only eating this because it's my favorite sandwich,<em> Candace reassured herself as she bit into her grilled-cheese. _Not because Phineas told me to; I would have wanted one irregardless. This has no correlation whatsoever to him and Ferb and their weirdical weirdness._

As time went on, she started to hear more sounds of construction going on in the backyard. She attempted to drown out the noise by watching TV but inevitably she was drawn back outside. Candace thought she had reached the point where there was nothing her brothers could do now that would surprise her, but what she saw upon drawing back the blinds instantly proved that notion wrong.

"You have got to be kidding me," she said, unable to hide the shock written on her face. She whipped out her phone. "This time, you boys are going down. Down, down, down!"

* * *

><p>Agent P watched the claws deposit a small object he assumed was a tooth into a nearby bucket and slowly creep to a stop, signaling that the procedure must be complete. The evil scientist lay prone for a few minutes, finally stirring when one of the claws prodded him. He gently rose to a sitting position and looked around the room. As Agent P watched, something in Doofenshmirtz's movements seemed strange. Doofenshmirtz gently felt the side of his jaw with his hand and made what sounded to Agent P like a goat noise. "Haremi?"<p>

Agent P cocked his head sideways, trying to understand what he said. "Haremi? Haremi?" It seemed like every syllable took considerable effort to enunciate. Finally, Agent P understood what he was saying. "Where am I?" Suddenly he began to wonder if Doofenshmirtz had accidentally used too much Novocain.

Doofenshmirtz slowly stood and began to stagger about the room. His legs looked awkward and rigid, like they were asleep. Doofenshmirtz found a tall mirror and stared at himself. "My kimbles a hemmemmy?" He slurred, using a nearby counter for balance. Suddenly his eyes widened in surprise as he made eye contact with Agent P through the mirror. "Pelly la plapypoops!?" Doofenshmirtz shrieked and stumbled backwards, falling over and rolling. Instead of stopping, he let himself roll and roll in a continuous series of backwards summersaults while simultaneously making baby noises for his own amusement. When bumping his back into the Wisdom-teeth-inator stopped him short, he threw his head back and cackled crazily.

Agent P shook his head in disbelief. Doofenshmirtz had drugged himself silly.

* * *

><p>"I think it's finally finished," Phineas announced as he and Ferb beheld their creation. High above the lawn of their backyard was a complex compilation of stretchy trampoline tarps held by an uncountable number of springs angled in every which way imaginable. Trampolines had been assorted of every size and shape and were held at every angle conceivable. Finally, there were multiple stories of springs, allowing one to jump from higher to lower tiers at his leisure. Together, they allowed for all kinds of tricks including jumping sideways, at all sorts of angles, and from very and to very high places. Underneath the entire structure lay a safety net as a precaution. Taken altogether, it looked like a loopy building made entirely from trampolines.<p>

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Phineas asked, and the two boys rushed forward to begin bouncing. The material was the best, allowing them to bounce as high as they desired. Ferb started to show off a little, doing some flips and tricks. Phineas had some tricks of his own; jumping through loops and breaking silly dance poses in mid-air, including a karate kick, a meditating monk, a diver, and even a mock ballerina pirouette. As his poses became increasingly ridiculous, he did the Statue of Liberty (he was somehow fully dressed in iconic garb during that jump), a cowboy swinging a real lasso (again he had instantaneously changed into a cowboy hat and jeans), and then a pantomime feigning to be standing on thin air (nobody knew how he kept changing in the brief moment he spent off-screen each fall). Ferb joined in on the fun, posing as a rapper with bling, a camper resting in a sleeping bag, an Easter Island tiki head, and a flopping fish out of water.

After running out of whimsical gags, Phineas spoke. "Hey Ferb, let's go try out the dodgeball room!"

One camera wipe and an instant later, they were standing in it.

"Cool! We've got holographic opponents to face-off with!" Phineas exclaimed. As he said it, projections of light appeared on the far side of the court, quickly morphing into large, rough-looking, snarling alien monsters. A strobe light materialized from the ceiling, flashing the room with all sorts of other-worldly colors and hues; and a switch somewhere clicked, adjusting the gravity inside the room to a fraction of what was normal for earth. A bell rang, signaling the start of the match, and soft rubber balls fell out of the ceiling.

"Awesome!" Was all Phineas said as he and Ferb began bounding around the court which was of course made with only trampoline-like surfaces allowing for bouncing off walls, floors, and all. Ferb caught a ball and threw it skillfully, hitting one opponent square in the chest. Another ball came flying at him, but in midair; Ferb bent over backwards in slow motion, barely dodging the projectile while simultaneously imitating a famous movie scene.

Meanwhile, Candace was walking towards the contraption whilst talking to her mother on her cell. "Mom, you won't believe what they built this time! It's a huge clubhouse thing made out of trampolines! You gotta come home and bust them right away!" At that moment, she tripped on her own shoelace, landing on the only trampoline that was at ground level. Her momentum caused her to rebound upward into the next level, where she landed on another trampoline causing her to bounce higher still.

All Candace could do was scream as she helplessly flew from tier to tier; narrowly dodging in the process a jumping shark contained in a small pool somewhere below, the circus loops Phineas had been using earlier which were now inexplicably lit on fire, and a swinging pendulum upon which a monkey was nested. Candace dodged the pendulum, but the monkey caught her by the arms and swung her like a trapeze acrobat. She was caught by another monkey that was actually using a trapeze. It hauled her up and gave her a slobbery kiss on the mouth before swinging her in a new direction entirely.

Candace landed in a fairly large, open spot that absorbed most of her momentum, allowing her to come to a rest. "Ew, yuck!" She mouthed, wiping her face off. "Phineas and Ferb!" She screamed, "you two are so busted! Huh?" Suddenly, the spot she sat on began to sink, as if by her own weight. Deeper and deeper, it was pulled by some unseen mechanical force until Candace was stuck in a tight space low beneath the rest of the plane of the trampoline. Without warning, it sprang back upward with such force Candace was sent hurtling skyward at a mind-numbing pace.

"AAAAAHHHHHHH!" She screamed as her hair whipped along behind her, rising ever higher until she peaked. For a second, time slowed, and she saw the whole Tri-State Area sprawled out far below her. She began to fall back down, falling for longer than it seemed possible, and screaming the whole way.

With a crash, she fell through the ceiling of the dodgeball room and was caught by the trampoline flooring right next to Phineas. "Hi, Candace!" Phineas greeted. "Watch out!"

At that moment, a dodgeball flew out of nowhere and hit Candace upside the head. "OW! What was that for!" No sooner had she spoken then a barrage of rubber balls hailed down upon her, pelting every square inch of her body. "Ow, ow, ow! Stop it! Stop it!" Was all she could say while she shielded herself with her arms.

Ferb leapt into action. He picked up a ball and tossed it into high into the air. In slow motion, he expertly leapt and twisted in mid-flight, then kicked his foot over his head in a bicycle maneuver used only by master soccer players. His foot impacted the ball with such force and accuracy that it hit all the monster opponents, slamming target after target, using each ricochet to redirect it toward the next one. Just like that, all of them were out, and the onslaught Candace had been exposed to ceased.

"We won!" Phineas celebrated. "Nice D-balling there, Ferb."

"Phineas!" Candace growled, rising to her feet. "I'm telling Mom!" With that, she stormed out of the arena.

"Great," Phineas responded. "Telling Mom what?"

* * *

><p>The situation hadn't improved much. Doofenshmirtz had regained most of his speech and body control, but he was still wacky as a hammer and a two-by-four. Agent P couldn't help but wish he had a video camera right now; this would get tons of laughs back at the Agency.<p>

"Wheeeee! Wheeeee!" Doofenshmirtz was pretending his screwdriver was a toy airplane and kept flying it around the room. In series of violent collisions, he crashed it into the arms of his Wisdom-teeth-inator, rendering it virtually broken. "We are the Bumblebees who strike with digilence!" He commented, jumping up and down in excitement. "My goldfish stand smitten by brevity! Acknowledge thine attention, Mr. Sodapants!"

Doofenshmirtz galumphed his way over to a cabinet. Slamming the hatches wide open, he pulled out a compound bow and an arrow. Suddenly Agent P snapped alert, for his crazed nemesis was now carrying a weapon. But Doofenshmirtz started twirling the bow by its string like a baton, and all fear passed the secret agent just as quickly.

"I am the very model of a modern Major Monogram," Doofenshmirtz sang as he paraded around with his makeshift batons. "I've information vegetable, animal and hologram; I tote an underwater cam, I weigh a dainty kilogram, I am the very model of a modern Major Monograaaaammmmm!" As part of the enthusiastic finale, Doofenshmirtz nocked the arrow and fired it in a random direction, finishing with his arms outstretched. The arrow ricocheted off the wall at just the right angle that on the rebound it sliced through the ropes that were holding Agent P aloft. He landed softly and leapt into action towards Doofenshmirtz, extending his leg for a powerful kick.

Doofenshmirtz watched in slow motion as the platypus flew through the air directly at him. He had no time to react. Then, at the last second, Agent P's foot veered to the right, kicking the arrow to knock it off its trajectory. After cutting the rope, it had reflected off the wall again to whistle right back at Doofenshmirtz, and Agent P had reacted just fast enough to intervene with the projectile. The arrow smashed sideways into the wall and fell harmlessly to the floor.

Doofenshmirtz was still incapable of processing events as they happened. By the time Agent P could hide the arrow somewhere safe, the bumbling evil scientist had already wandered halfway across the room. "My hair has frogs in it, where's some shampoo?" He heard him say.

Agent P considered his options. He could have returned home, his mission was finished. Doofenshmirtz had already destroyed his own Inator, which wasn't really evil to begin with. In this state, he was more of a danger to himself than to anyone else. But that was exactly why Agent P was still here. He may be his nemesis, but he couldn't let Doofenshmirtz hurt himself somehow while recovering from the painkillers. But as soon as the doctor was thinking clearly again, he was out.

It was like babysitting a child. In a montage of scenes, Agent P entertained Doofenshmirtz by playing hop-scotch, tying a towel around his neck like a cape, riding around in wheelchairs, painting, repeatedly flushing the toilet, and even jumping together on the bed; all the while not really listening to Doofenshmirtz jabber a continuous stream of nonsensical commentary: "I love flapping, flapping flapping flapping. Carnivorous folding chairs, who knew? In presents I see my diaper rash, my kites, my yo-yos, my hernias. Hernias and hyenas. Hyenas and hernias. Stop being like a cat! Dirty pamphlet. Reminds me of camping. And flapping. Flapping flapping flapping. Salt and pepper and telescopes for you. And don't forget. Don't ever forget, cause my back breaks bread on Tuesdays. Bad guys buy sheep, too. That's why you plan for tomatoes when your schedule falters and the peanuts get dry cleaned. The Aglet König told me. Yep, plus there's always flapping. Flapping flapping!" _Well, at least he's starting to use complete sentences. _

"Googooba bookakah, reenuu deplukeshaw."

_Scratch that last,_ Agent P thought to himself.

* * *

><p>"Hurry up, Mom, you better be here quick!" Candace said to herself as she turned around the corner of the house to stand in the front yard. "We're really coming down to the wire, here!"<p>

* * *

><p>"I'm Lindana, and I wanna have fun! I'm Lindana, and I wanna have fun!" Linda sang aloud while she sat in the car with the radio blaring her old song, idling in traffic.<p>

Cutting back to Candace, the teenager caught the beat and began singing. "I am Candace, and I just gotta bust! I am Candace, and I just gotta bust!"

Linda took over. "I'm not Roxanne, I'm not Eileen, I'm not Sharona!"

Candace sang the next line, dancing as she did so. "Bros drive me crazy, and I'm feelin' like a loner!" (sounds like lone-a)

"And I don't wanna study, work, or stay at home-a;" Linda continued.

"Just leave me brothers I can bust when Mom comes home-a!" Candace quipped.

The screen split down the middle, showing them singing together.

_I'm Lindana, and I wanna have fun!  
>(I'm Candace, and I just gotta bust!)<br>I'm Lindana, and I wanna have fun!  
>(I'm Candace and I just gotta bust!)<br>I wanna-wanna-wanna-  
>(I gotta-gotta-gotta-)<br>Have fun fun fun!  
>(Just bust bust bust!)<em>

* * *

><p>"Ooh, my Break-the-fast-inator," Doofenshmirtz said, inspecting one of his old inventions. "Would you like some tea too, Mr. President?" With that, Doofenshmirtz poured a cup of tea and handed it to his Inator.<p>

"But sir," Norm the robot insisted, "that's your Levitate-inator! You don't have a Break-the-fast-inator!"

It was too late. Doofenshmirtz attempted to balance the teacup on the tip-top of the machine, but it fell and splashed liquid all over, causing sparks to issue forth from the Inator. A laser shot off in a random direction just as there was an explosion, sending Doofenshmirtz hurtling through the air.

* * *

><p>A small girl was playing outside with a stick, pretending it was a wand. "Abrakadabra! Alakazam!"<p>

A few houses behind her, a giant trampoline tower ascended into the air, rising to meet the clouds. The girl turned to watch with wide eyes before running back inside shouting, "Mommy! Mommy! I did magic!"

* * *

><p>After what felt like an eternity for Candace, Linda finally pulled up to the front of the house. Candace rushed up to open the door and assist her mother out of the vehicle and on a one-way trip to the backyard.<p>

"Hurry, Mom, or it'll be gone!"

The two women stepped into the backyard to find nothing there. "So, what was I supposed to be looking for, again?" Linda paused to cross her arms.

"No, no, no! It's not possible!" Candace fell to her knees dramatically. "Why must this always happen to me?"

"Oh, you're right, Candace!" Her mother said sarcastically. "This grass looks like it needs mowing, your father will be _so busted!_" She smirked at her daughter and exited to grab her things out of the car.

"Man, jumping on trampolines sure is thirsty work," Phineas informed Ferb as at that moment they stepped through their sliding door into the backyard with glasses in hand. "Hey, where did our project go?"

"Maybe if you put those glasses on, you'll be able to see it," Candace said dejectedly.

"Huh?" Phineas said, not understanding.

"It was a play on words," Ferb clarified. "She meant glasses as in bifocals, when in reality our glasses are cups containing ice cold lemonade."

"Oh," Phineas said, comprehension dawning. "Who in their right mind would think of something like that?"

"I can only surmise," Ferb responded.

* * *

><p>"I can't believe you sold all that stock to buy a trampoline business, and you didn't even buy any trampolines!" The nagging wife exclaimed while her Napoleon-sized husband slouched in front of her.<p>

Just then, a plethora of trampolines fell in bunches all around the couple, landing in perfect stacks to the left and right of them.

"I have dreams, you know," the husband responded in his nasally voice.

* * *

><p>Agent P stood over his nemesis, waiting for him to regain consciousness. Slowly, Doofenshmirtz came to and sat up. "The square of the hypotenuse equals the sum of the squares of the two remaining sides," he chanted, rubbing his head. "Hey! I think I'm feeling better again!"<p>

Agent P gave the evil scientist the thumbs up. "Oh, great, now I've got this weird feeling in my mouth where my missing teeth are, like the gaps are really big holes in my mouth." Suddenly, Doofenshmirtz remembered everything that had happened while he was induced, and felt a little embarrassment. "Perry the Platypus, I'm sure that, with you being a good guy and all, you'll keep all that stuff I did earlier just between you and me, right?" He sheepishly asked the secret agent.

Agent P smiled and patted his nemesis on the back. "Thank you, Perry the Platypus. Thank you."

* * *

><p><em>Later that day while the credits roll…<em>

All the agents had gathered with the Major and Carl to watch the film recorded by Agent P's hidden camera stored in his fedora. While the clips of Doofenshmirtz high on funny gas rolled, the entire agency rolled in laughter right along with it. All the strange and wacky things he did and said provided the perfect de-stressing session following a hard day's work fighting evil. In between fits of laughter, Monty bent down and whispered in Agent P's ear, "Hey, do you think I could get a copy of this? I gotta show this to Vanessa!"

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this, you might consider checking out some of my other stories. I especially recommend <em>Phineas and the Beanstalk<em>, another one-shot written like a real episode, and _Can Summer Last Forever?,_ which tells the story of the last day of the kids' summer. It's the EPIC would-be finale to the show. Both of them are really good, if I do say so myself! Thanks again!**


	2. Episode 2

Episode 2: Phineas Wonka and the Chocolate Ferbatory

"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty," Linda heralded as her teenage daughter finally arrived in the kitchen yawning.

"S'fer breakfast?" Was the only response she received in return.

"Oatmeal and grapefruit," Linda said, placing a bowl on the table in front of Candace. "The boys are already almost done with theirs."

"Mmm, good stuff Mom!" Phineas said from across the table as he put down his spoon. "Hey Ferb, you gonna finish that?"

Ferb was seated next to Phineas. He looked down at his food, then at his napkin. Taking the napkin and laying it across his bowl, he tapped it with a finger and pulled back the napkin, revealing a sparkling clean bowl.

"Fantastic!" Phineas applauded. Candace was unamused.

"Mom!" She called out accusingly.

Without looking up from the dish she was rinsing in the sink, Linda asked, "Boys, do I have to tell you not to play with your food before you eat it?"

Ferb held up the napkin to shield his head from view momentarily. When he flipped it back, his mouth was wide agape, displaying a mouthful of oatmeal for all to see. Signifying it was a success, two short trumpet blasts were heard in the background.

"Gross," Candace muttered under her breath.

"But cool!" Phineas said, hiding the trumpet he was holding under the table as Ferb closed his mouth to chew.

Linda couldn't help but smile as she listened to the sounds of her (mostly) happy children. "Now kids, listen up," she said, turning from her work to face them. "I'm heading out to Grandma's; she's finally agreed to pass her world famous secret recipe for hard toffee to me."

"A world famous _secret_ recipe?" Candace inquired. "Isn't that kind of an oxymoron?"

"Yes, yes it is." Linda stated. "That's why her cookbook is titled, _The Oxymoron Cookbook._ It's an oxymoron itself, because it only has the one recipe, so it's not much of a book."

Candace rolled her eyes. "And let me guess, you're gonna be driving out there to pick it up, so you won't be able to bust Phineas and Ferb."

"Well, not until I get back, at least, so yes; that is correct."

Phineas suddenly spoke up. "Grandma's toffee recipe?! Awesome! Grandma makes the best candy in the world!"

"Yep," Linda agreed. "You boys can help me make some when I get back." With that, she turned and headed out the door, leaving Phineas with his hand on his chin in thought.

"Hey Ferb," Phineas said, "I know what we're gonna do today! Hey, where's Perry?"

* * *

><p>Linda pulled the car out of the driveway allowing the garage door to close behind her, and Perry quickly shifted into secret agent mode now that he had some privacy. He extracted his fedora from its most recent hiding place (behind the freezer) and a technologically advanced scanner appeared on the door leading into the house. It scanned his fedora and apparently accepted its code. With a snap, it folded itself into nothingness, and a row of new scanners materialized along the frame of the doorway. First, he leveled his eyeball to the low plane of a retinal scanner, then he placed his front paw on a touch screen for scanning, then he had his tongue scanned, then his webbed hind foot, then a tuft of fur, then his beaver tail. All was in order, and a keyboard appeared for inserting the final password.<p>

Without any break in motion, Agent P quickly typed the password and was ready to walk through the door when a soft, computerized female voice said, "Access denied." Nonplussed, the secret agent tried again. "Access denied," repeated the voice. Perry thought for a moment to be sure he remembered this time and tried once more. "Access denied," said the voice.

* * *

><p>"Whoops, just realized I forgot my sunglasses," Linda said aloud as she drove. "I'll just swing back to the house real quick and grab them."<p>

* * *

><p>Agent P attempted yet another password, but was met with the same, "Access denied." He pounded his fist on the instrument in frustration. Just then, the computerized voice said something new. "Host family automobile arriving shortly." Agent P looked out the window to see Linda approaching down the street; she would see him in a matter of seconds. He frantically typed another password into the machine. "Access denied." Another. "Access denied." She was almost home! "Access denied!"<p>

On the verge of giving up, Agent P brought down both fists hard on the keyboard and banged his forehead into its center, right between them, in pure desperation.

"Access granted."

Agent P looked up, hardly able to believe that his random pounding worked. A smaller door appeared inside the doorframe, and he hurriedly jumped through it just as the garage door opened and Linda pulled in.

"Good morning, Agent P," Monogram greeted him as he landed in his red chair. "I apologize for the security malfunction back there. Carl went through to change the passwords last week but he slipped when he was inputting the one for that door, so the password to it is pretty much random keys hit in spurts until we can get maintenance on it. Now, to your mission. Find out what Doofenshmirtz is up to, and put a stop to it!"

With a crisp salute, Agent P activated his jet pack and departed.

* * *

><p>Phineas and Ferb stood in the backyard, each holding one end of a blueprint that was as tall as they were. "The way I see it," Phineas was explaining, "we'll keep the candy corn next to the sweethearts, because they're the two seasonal treats that nobody really likes."<p>

Just as he finished, the gate opened, and Isabella poked her head through. "Hey Ferb, hey Phineas. What'cha doin'?"

"Oh, hey Isabella, come on in and we'll show ya," Phineas waved her in. "Today, Ferb and I are building our own candy factory. We'll have everything you can think of: chocolates, gum drops, sour chews, sugar cubes, caramel confections—basically, you name it, we make it."

"Did I hear someone say 'candy'?" Buford's voice called out from off-screen as he and Baljeet entered stage left.

"You probably did," Phineas answered. "Once the factory's up and running, our candy production will begin without delay."

"Lucky I'm still wearing my costume from last Halloween!" Buford exclaimed.

"You were wearing your regular clothes for Halloween?" Baljeet asked.

"I was going as a bully, so I could scare little kids and take their bags of candy when they ran off, screaming."

"And you have not changed or washed them in all that time?"

"It preserves the authenticity of the costume for next year."

Baljeet took one big lateral step away from his companion.

Buford ignored the gesture. "Well, I think that's great. Candy, who doesn't love candy? I love candy. Candy's great."

"I would prefer something that is sugar-free," Baljeet interrupted, "it is healthier for you."

"Well then you can go eat some tree bark, for all I care!" Buford coldly stated. "I want it as unhealthy and fattening as I can get! Gimme the candy!"

Phineas held up his hands. "Whoa; we have to build the factory first, then we can work on the candy." That seemed to pacify Buford, and within minutes the group was constructing the framework.

While they worked, Baljeet timidly asked the bully, "you did not by chance scare a boy wearing a chicken costume last year and take his candy, did you?"

"Huh, scaring a kid in a chicken costume? I think I'd remember something like that," Buford said. "What's it to ya?"

"Nothing," Baljeet hastily replied.

* * *

><p><em>Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!<em>

With a mighty kick, the door flew open and Agent P cartwheeled into the room. His motion accidentally activated Doofenshmirtz's latest trap, and the secret agent was slapped onto a wall stuck inside a picture frame, flat between the glass and the wall behind.

"Wow," Doofenshmirtz commented as he approached from the shadows, "my new portrait looks so life-like and realistic; and by realistic of course, I mean—um, listic, I guess? Anywho, I bet you are dying to know, Perry the Platypus, about my latest invention. Behold, the Teleportaterinator!" On cue with its own ominous background music, a wicked looking device which rather resembled a mechanical backpack was shown. "As you might have guessed, it allows its wearer to instantly teleport to any place he desires!

"Now you might be wondering what horrendous backstory might have led me to create such a heinous contraption. It all started this morning, as I was getting out of the shower." Doofenshmirtz rippled back to his steamy bathroom, wrapped in a towel, humming to himself while combing his hair. Glancing absentmindedly at the brush he was using, he gasped as he pulled one hair off and inspected it. "It was my first gray hair!" He said, rippling back to the present. "I was distraught, Perry the Platypus, distraught! My initial reaction was to run in a big cartoonish circle, screaming; then when I was tired I sat on my bed and cried until my eyes were—wait, wait a minute, why am I telling you this?" Doofenshmirtz paused, bringing his hand to his chin in thought. "When I tell it that way, it kind of shows me in a bad light. Oh, you know what, forget that whole, screaming and crying thing. What I meant to say was, um, that I was—meditating! Because, uh, it's a good stress reliever, you know, and all that stress causes graying—okay, I'm just gonna fast-forward to the next part," Doofenshmirtz said, flipping his hands to gesture he was moving on.

"So as I sat there, I got to thinking, Perry the Platypus, about a lot of things. Well, one mainly. In all my years, what have I done with my life? Nothing! I'm still not ruler of the Tri-State Area; I've virtually wasted half my lifetime! I need to step up my game! Hence, the Teleportaterinator."

Agent P gave the evil scientist an unimpressed look.

"What? It's a good plan! Imagine all the evil I can create with the power to teleport anywhere I choose! I mean, granted, it won't return to me any of my wasted years not ruling the Tri-State Area; nor will it teleport me into the past where I can correct my mistakes and become ruler; it won't even make me younger, granting me youthful vigor and zeal I can use to accomplish my plans. But that isn't important, Perry the Platypus. You know, not everything has to have a perfectly logical connection to be a good plan! In a way, it actually kind of makes sense, if you don't think about it too much. Just don't think about it, Perry the Platypus, not even a little, then everything will make sense. That's the wisdom I offer you now that I'm, you know, old and graying; since apparently old people are wiser for whatever reason."

* * *

><p>"I'm gettin' hungry, Dinnerbell; when's it gonna be ready?"<p>

"Almost there," Phineas informed Buford. "Ferb's just putting the finishing touches on the flashy entrance. Oh, there you are, Ferb, I guess that means the factory should be ready."

In sync with Phineas' mention of his name, Ferb appeared and gave everybody the thumbs up. Once he had the group's attention, he produced a small remote button from his pocket and hit the button. A glass elevator emerged beside Ferb and opened its door with a _ding!_

"Awesome," Phineas said, "a glass elevator! Great idea, Ferb! Alright, everybody in, it'll take us to the candy factory."

With a cheer the kids clambered in and the elevator lifted off the ground and soared through the air. The kids watched through the glass floor as the lawn faded away, making it seem like they were being supported by nothing. "Wait a minute," Baljeet interjected, "this seems oddly familiar, flying in a glass elevator to a candy factory."

"Well, Ferb is British," Phineas explained, "so if it's okay with him, it's okay with me."

Momentarily they arrived on the rooftop of the factory and were swallowed by the main elevator shaft leading to the factory floor. With another _ding!_ the doors to the elevator opened, presenting a wide vista of colors. "Here we are," Phineas proudly announced as they exited, "our homage to classic, old-school chocolate factories."

The group was met by lush and beautiful scenery, but what at first glance appeared to be trees and flowers was in reality a surprising variety of candies.

"As you can see," the red-head continued, "we have all kinds of goodies here, from candy canes to candy apples, to candy berries and candy leaves, all the way to candy wristwatches and candy toothbrushes. And yes, we even incorporated Buford's idea and made candy tree bark," Phineas said, glancing at Baljeet.

"Actually, I was kidding about the tree bark thing," Buford said.

"Moving on," Phineas said, ignoring the interruption. "Over there is the mandatory chocolate river. And of course, everything you see is edible."

"Wow, it's so beautiful," Isabella commented, but she was quickly pushed out of the way as Buford bull-rushed past towards a nearby shrubbery made of licorice and began shoving the candy into his mouth. Those watching were slightly disgusted by his appetite (except Baljeet, who was familiar with it), but they quickly followed suit to find their own sweets-spots.

Meanwhile, Candace was lazily channel-surfing in the living room while listening to her MP3 while chatting with Stacy on her cell phone while slurping a soda while filing her nails. "Yeah, so I was like, oh no you di'n't, and she was all, yu-huh I di-id, and then I was like—hold on Stace, my busting senses are tingling; I think the boys are doing something bustable! I'll tell you what happened later, kay? Bye."

Candace quickly hung up and ran to the back yard, finding the boy's large factory towering over the tree. With eyes enlarging to the size of grapefruits, she gasped aloud. "Phineas and Ferb built a big factory with smokestacks in the backyard? Oh, they are so busted this time!" With that, she started dialing buttons on her cell.

"Hello?" Phineas answered.

"Phineas," Candace growled into her phone, "I'm just calling to let you know that I'm telling Mom you guys built a factory in the backyard as a fair warning."

"Okay, cool," Phineas replied. Candace hung up and began dialing another number, but suddenly stopped herself half-way.

"Wait a second," she thought vocally, "I just realized, the boy's invention always disappears _before_ Mom gets home, but _after_ I call her! Maybe, if I don't call her, it won't go away, therefore allowing Mom to see it, therefore they'll be busted!" She hit the redial button and as soon as Phineas answered, she said, "Nevermind," and hung up once more, chuckling crazily to herself.

"Now we wait," Candace said, watching the backyard through the slits in the blinds, "until the trap is ready to be sprung."

* * *

><p>"And that's why I was originally going to call it the Teleportinator," Doofenshmirtz rambled, "but I figured that with it being powered by potato spuds and all, Telepor<em>tater<em>inator was much cleverer. You know, cause it has _tater _in it, which just means potato; and not 'po-tah-to,' I might add, speaking of that whole 'potayto-potahto' thing, cause nobody goes around calling them 'totters,' they're called taters! I mean, c'mon, if people really went around calling them totters, you'd think they were talking about, I don't know, small children, or something."

Agent P seized the moment to figure out a plan of escape. He squeezed to one side of the portrait frame, causing it to tilt because of his weight.

"What are you doing, Perry the Platypus? You're way off, it's not even close to being level. Here, lean a little more to the left. No, not my left, your left; you're gonna make it fall! Oh, here, let me help." Doofenshmirtz reached out to even it up and Agent P leaned with him, upsetting the balance of the picture frame and tilting it so badly it fell to the ground with a crash. Agent P broke free of the glass as it shattered all over the floor.

"You think you're so clever, escaping from your trap like that," Doofenshmirtz said, backing away, "but you forgot about this: my Teleportaterinator!" In one swift movement, the evil scientist shouldered his invention and strapped it across his waist. "Now you have no way of stopping me as I travel from point A to point B in the blink of an eye!"

Doofenshmirtz sneered at his nemesis in sheer satisfaction, knowing he had the upper hand. Agent P looked to his side and saw another Teleportaterinator sitting on a table literally three feet away. Instantly he snatched it and put it on like a jet pack.

"Whoops, guess I, uh, forgot I had built a second Teleportaterinator, a-and left it out on the desk over there—by mistake," Doofenshmirtz said in a bathetic tone. "But I did remember to hide the GPS tracker that displays the locations of my Teleportaterinators so that once I teleport away you won't be able to find me!"

With a roll of his eyes, Agent P teleported away for a moment, then instantly reappeared in the same spot holding the very tracker to which Doofenshmirtz was referring.

"Perry the Platypus, how did you know where my secret hiding spot was?" Agent P pointed across the room to where a large billboard sign displayed the words, 'GPS locator found here' and a big red arrow indicating its spot on the coffee table next to the TV remote. (Incidentally, there was another large sign immediately next to it which read, 'TV remote found here.')

"Oh," Doofenshmirtz replied. "Well, so much for that. I-I'm gonna jet before this becomes any more embarrassing for me." With that, Doofenshmirtz vanished into thin air. Agent P checked his locator to find that Doofenshmirtz had jumped all the way to the pyramids of Egypt, and so he activated his own Teleportaterinator to follow.

* * *

><p>With every passing tick of the grandfather clock, Candace drew more anxious. She had barely been able to keep up her resolve to stick to her busting strategy of not calling her mother, but it was starting to get late and there was still no sign of her arriving home. Candace kept spinning her phone in her hands over and over again while watching the backyard, but the temptation to call Mom was growing ever stronger.<p>

"I am not calling her!" Candace shouted at the empty room. She looked at her phone, it looked so eager to dial the numbers for her right there. "Forget it!" She said, flinging the phone across the room. It bounced off the sofa cushion and landed on the countertop, right in the center, where the sunlight peeked through the window to shine its light upon it in a compelling fashion. Candace tore her eyes away, but couldn't keep them for long. Inevitably she glanced back at the phone. The way the sunlight shone on it seemed to be calling her. "That's it, no more temptation!" She said, producing a hammer and approaching the phone. As she lifted her hand to strike, the phone range, causing Candace to jump slightly before tentatively answering it.

"Hello?" She said cautiously. If it was her mother, she was prepared to snap the phone shut at a moment's notice.

"Hey Candace, it's Jerem—." Candace reacted too quickly, hanging up on her boyfriend.

"Wait no, I didn't mean to!" She quickly tried calling him back, but the line was busy.

"Grrr! Mom, you better get home quick, or I'm gonna lose it!"

Meanwhile, back at the candy factory, the kids were having a blast eating candy, which gave them a sugar rush, which energized them to run around all hyper and invigorated, which made them hungrier, which caused them to eat more candy, and so on. In their elevated state, they couldn't help but release their happiness in song form, allowing their joy to take flight with a catchy tune.

_There is nothing we love more than  
>Ca-ya-ya-ya-ya-andy!<br>The way it melts inside your mouth is  
>Oh, so fine and dandy!<br>Those veges, grains, and other stuffs  
>Can sometimes be quite bland-y,<br>But for a treat, you'll find it's sweet  
>to eat your favorite candy.<em>

_So go ahead and try it,  
>Before you grow too old;<br>Because when you're just a kid,  
>Candy's worth more to you than gold.<em>

Once the song ended, Isabella waited for the others to disperse while hoping for a chance to catch Phineas alone. Surprisingly, it came right away when Ferb chased a few of the lingering notes from the chorus and ate them. Isabella wasted no time in taking her chance.

"Hey Phineas," she said, hiding something behind her back.

"Oh, hi Isabella! So, how's the candy?"

"It's all really good. Speaking of candy, do you want to share this candy heart with me?" At that, she revealed what she was holding; a candy heart the size of a dinner plate.

"Sure."

Isabella beamed and broke it down the middle when suddenly Baljeet cried out from somewhere.

"Help!" Came the voice, which was exceptionally high-pitched due to stress. "Help, Buford fell into the chocolate river!"

Phineas turned to see Buford splashing about violently as he sank deeper into the sugary slosh. "I'm coming!" Phineas said as he hurried in their direction, leaving Isabella holding the broken heart.

"Okay, I guess I'll go help too," she sighed, dropping the candy and rushing over to join the others.

"Just hang on!" Phineas called from the bank, "Ferb's grabbing the gumdrop life preserver!"

"You guys have a gumdrop life preserver?" Baljeet asked.

"Safety first," Phineas pointed out. As he said it, Ferb cast out the ring-shaped float and Buford was able to grab on, but not without taking a big bully-sized bite out of it.

"Yep, it's made out of gummy, alright," he commented as Ferb and the rest of them pulled him ashore.

Crisis averted, Phineas had a thought and shared it with the others. "You know," he began, "candy sure is great and everything, but it can be dangerous to have too much. What do you guys think?"

"Maybe you're right," Isabella agreed.

"Hey," Buford said, "it would have been death by chocolate; it's not such a bad way to go."

"Either way, I am starting to get sick from too much sugar," Baljeet motioned with a hand on his stomach.

"Me too," Buford agreed.

"Yeah, let's consider this day seized, and go find someplace to lie down" Phineas said clutching his stomach as well, and he along with the others trudged toward the exit as they all started to feel the sluggish effects of candy sickness setting in.

* * *

><p>While battle with his nemesis ensued, Agent P had followed Doofenshmirtz to all kinds of exotic, mostly famous, places such as the Eiffel Tower in Paris, the Great Wall of China, Hoover Dam, and a quick stop at Larry's Burgers and Fries Diner for lunch. Their combat went pretty much like this: they'd teleport somewhere, throw a few punches at the other, and teleport somewhere else. And so it went for a whole montage of silly, cartoonistic violence.<p>

Finally, they ended up in the countryside somewhere when Doofenshmirtz held up his hands in a gesture of truce. "Perry the Platypus, I am so tired; why don't we take a breather. C'mon, whaddaya say?"

Agent P agreed despite not being all that tired; he was a secret agent, after all.

Doofenshmirtz took a seat and inspected his Teleportaterinator. "And not too soon, Perry the Platypus. My Teleportaterinator is almost out of juice, it wouldn't be good if we used it all and then ended up being stuck who knows where. Speaking of which, where are we, anyways?"

Agent P held up the GPS unit to show Doofenshmirtz they were in rural Idaho. "Idaho, where the heck is Idaho? Is that even in America? Because I don't remember Idaho being one of the states in America, Perry the Platypus. We need to find somewhere that has potatoes, since that's what my Teleportaterinator is powered by, and I don't think we're going to find any in a place called _Id-a-ho_." He waggled his head with each syllable to emphasize his doubt.

Agent P couldn't help but roll his eyes as he pointed back over his shoulder at a heap of fresh potatoes piled up to the size of a school bus.

"Oh!" Doofenshmirtz said in surprise. "Would you look at that, a whole pile of potatoes! How did I miss that? I mean, it was right behind you, like literally! Right behind you! And I was looking straight at you!" Agent P rolled his eyes again as the evil scientist climbed to the top of the pile with a gleeful look on his face.

"Guess what, Perry the Platypus? With this pile alone I could power my Teleportaterinator for like a whole year! We should use the Teleportaterinator to take them all back to my lab, Perry the Platypus. How does that s—oof!" Doofenshmirtz was cut off by a punch to the face. Rubbing his chin, he said, "I forgot, you are a good guy and good guys don't steal, do they."

* * *

><p>Candace was still watching the backyard dutifully. Her eyes were bloodshot, her hair was standing up in places, but the boy's creation was still there when finally her ears perceived the sound of her salvation: the garage door cranking open. Mom was home!<p>

"It worked! It worked!" Candace breathed, wringing her hands before rushing off to grab her mother.

"Wow, Candace," Linda said upon opening the door to the house and finding her teenage daughter waiting. "I'm very proud of you, not a single call all day about the boys—"

"Yeah, yeah, that's great Mom, but you gotta come see what the boys have done in the backyard! They've built this huge factory with smokestacks and everything!"

"Oh," Linda sighed. "And here I almost thought we would finally go a whole day without all this nonsense."

* * *

><p>"Even so, Perry the Platypus," Doofenshmirtz taunted, "you will never be able to stop me from using all these potatoes for my own nefarious purposes! Ahahahaha!" With that, Doofenshmirtz adjusted the settings on his machine to bring along anything he was touching, and with a <em>pop!<em> he vanished, taking the pile with him.

Agent P teleported himself back to Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. and just as he predicted, found that that was where the evil scientist had chosen to bring the pile with the last of his Inator's power. Agent P sprang into action, punching Doofenshmirtz and ripping the Inator from his back simultaneously. Agent P tossed the machine over the side of the building allowing gravity to destroy the machine for him, then vanished once more, mission completed.

"Curse you, Perry the Platypus!" Doofenshmirtz called out after he had gone.

* * *

><p>Perry didn't want his owners to see the Inator he was wearing, so he placed it beside the boy's latest creation and turned it on, assuming it would teleport away and leave no evidence behind.<p>

"Oh, there you are, Perry," Phineas said as the kids all laid back to rest in the shade of the tree. A moment later, the whole factory disappeared in the blink of an eye.

* * *

><p>A potato farmer and his daughter stood wondering what had happened to their pile of potatoes.<p>

"You gotta believe me," the daughter said, "there was a pharmacist and a beaver fighting on the potato pile, and then just like that, they all vanished into thin air!"

"Amanda, you need to stop making up these farfetched stories! You aren't a kid anymore!"

"But Dad, I'm telling the truth!"

"Butts are for chairs, which is where you'll be sitting when we get home—in time out!"

* * *

><p>"But Mom, I'm telling the truth!" Candace said as she and her mother looked at the empty back yard. "It was right there a second ago!"<p>

"Butts are for chairs, Candace," Linda sarcastically replied. She opened the door and called out to the kids who were still laying in the shade. "Hey you guys, do you want to come help me make that candy now?"

"No thanks, Mom," Phineas called back. "I think we've had enough candy for today."

"Okay, kids. Have fun with Perry."

* * *

><p>"You know what?" The potato farmer's daughter said. "I hated all those stupid potatoes anyways! When I'm eighteen, I am <em>sooo<em> moving out of this state!"

"But then who's going take care of the farm after I retire?" Her father asked. Just then, a huge factory materialized in front of the two arguers, right where the pile used to sit.

Although a look of pure shock registered on the daughter's face, she managed to utter, "Okay, I'll stay and tend the farm."

* * *

><p>"How was your day, Perry?" Phineas asked.<p>

"Grdrdrdrdrdrdrdrd," the platypus chattered happily.

"Well, I'm glad. Sorry we forgot to save you some candy, boy. Hey, how come you smell like potatoes?"

After a pause, Ferb said, "You know, while Idaho is often referred to as the potato state, its official nickname is actually the Gem State."

"Huh," Phineas sounded, "learn something new everyday."


	3. Episode 3

**All names you do not recognize from the show are made up. Any similarities between them and real life are purely coincidental.**

**This chapter only: Rated K-plus for some bathroom humor.**

* * *

><p>Episode 3: To Baseball and Beyond<p>

"It just isn't fair, Stacy," Candace told her best friend on her personal cell. "The longer it takes for me to bust my brothers, the less time I have left to get around to enjoying my summer."

"You know," Stacy said from the other end of the line, "if you just gave up busting, you'd be able to enjoy the rest of summer just fine. What you need is something to distract you from focusing on your brothers, something that will let you get away and actually do something for once."

"You're right, Stacy. But what could possibly be so important that it will distract me from busting my brothers?"

"Well, I can think of one—."

"Hold that thought," interrupted Candace, "I'm getting a call from Jeremy!"

"Yep, that's exactly what I had in mind," Stacy said to herself after being placed on hold.

"Candace Flynn speaking," the impetuous teenager announced.

"Hey, Candace, Jeremy here. So, I got some tickets to the Danville Dragons professional baseball game today, and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me."

Candace had to cover the mouthpiece to hide her girly giggle. "You mean, like a distraction?"

"Well, sure; I was gonna use the word 'date', but, I guess 'distraction' works too."

"Right, date! Er, that's what I meant to say."

"Cool. I'll pick you up soon."

"Kay, see ya!" Candace ended the conversation with a dreamy stare into space before returning enthusiastically to her previous call. "Oh my gosh, Stacy, guess what just happened!"

"Jeremy asked you out on a date, which provides the perfect distraction from busting your brothers," Stacy predicted in a monotone voice.

"Jeremy asked me out on a date, which provides the perfect—oh, wait, you just said that."

"Duh. Saw it coming a mile away."

"Well, it works out perfectly. Say, why don't you come along?"

"I can't," Stacy replied, "I've got an appointment with my math tutor. My Mom says if my grade doesn't improve next semester, I can't go shopping for a whole week."

Candace gasped. "A whole week!? Can parents do that? I mean, that's pretty much borderline cruel and unusual punishment; aren't there laws against that?"

"That's exactly what I said, and apparently, there's not."

"Tough eggs," Candace sympathized. "Well, I'll call you back later, Stace, I gotta start getting ready."

* * *

><p>Candace was surrounded by all kinds of wonderful sights and sounds as she and Jeremy found their seats. The air was replete with the smell of popcorn and hot dogs, and cheers erupted from the stands as the players took to the field to begin warming up for the game. The bright sun promised perfect weather and metaphorically reflected the inner tranquility Candace was feeling now that she was away from her brothers.<p>

"I am, like, having so much fun right now!" She couldn't help exclaiming. Then she heard an all too familiar voice and immediately knew she was about to be made a liar.

"Prepare yourselves, children. We are about to experience the magical wonders of America's favorite pastime: the time-honored sport of baseball!" Lawrence Fletcher said as he led a group of children to the seats next to Candace and Jeremy. "I've been told that you Yanks take baseball as seriously as we English prize our football," he continued to tell anyone who would listen.

"Hi Candace!" Phineas cheerfully ejaculated as he sat down beside his sister.

Candace groaned. "What are you guys doing here?" She asked, slumped over and hiding her face in her hands.

"Well, Candace," Lawrence explained in his English accent, "your mother was out late last night raffling tickets for next week's cake auction for the bridge club. So I decided to give her a quiet house to relax in by taking the lot out to the ball game. Take me out to the ball game," he began to sing. "Take me out to the crowds!"

"We got to bring our friends along, too," Phineas looked down the row to count. "We've got Ferb and I, Perry, Isabella, Irving—"

"I brought pistachios!" Irving commented.

"—Buford," continued Phineas, "and, hey, where's Baljeet?"

Buford answered. "He couldn't make it, said he had a tutoring session or something."

The scene changes to Stacy's house, where Baljeet is attempting to explain the formula he was using.

"So you see, it is just a simple matter of remembering to put a plus-or-minus in front when you take the square root of both sides or else your final answer will be off. Did you get it that time?"

"Um, I kind of zoned out at the part where you, you know, did that stuff," Stacy replied.

"Oh, you mean when I multiplied by the conjugate?"

"I don't know, what's a conjugate?"

The scene shifts back to the game. "Well that's too bad," Phineas said, still reminiscing about Baljeet. "He's going to miss out on all the action. If we're lucky, we'll get to see Manny 'The Smasher' McCallister hit a home run. He's hit three in his last five games."

"But don't count out Donny Walters, the visiting team pitcher," Jeremy inserted. "They say he pitches a curveball so well the ball curves like a rainbow."

"Ah, you have a good point, Jeremy," replied Phineas. "But remember, Walters has a history of struggling at away games, so he may not be at peak form right now."

"While that is true," Jeremy countered, "he also outperforms his regular projections every sixteenth-and-a-half inning, so I think it's very likely that we won't see as much of that side of him today."

Phineas smiled. "Well, Jeremy, it seems you know a thing or two about the game. I look forward to a day's worth of back-and-forth baseball banter with you."

Candace groaned again, looking increasingly uncomfortable as the two talked across her. "Grr, that's it! I have to go to the bathroom!" She grumbled, standing to leave. "I hate it how boys exclude girls when they talk about sports like that," she mentioned as she passed the group on her way through the stands.

"I think it's dreamy," Isabella sighed, resting the side of her head against her interlocked fingers as she stared sideways at Phineas.

"Oh, brother." Candace rolled her eyes.

"Hey," Phineas said, looking up, "where's Perry?"

* * *

><p>Perry peeked out from behind a garbage bin somewhere near the stands his owners were in to find his target: Section 9 ¾. Slipping behind the bin momentarily, he emerged from the other side disguised in the garb of a hot dog vendor. He tried to act natural as he pushed his cart past groups of avid baseball fans to stand in front of the platform. With a final glance over his shoulder and a thematic music box tune tinkling in the background, he charged at the space beneath the sign with his cart and zipped through the digital wall into his lair. He silenced the music box that turned out to have originated from a pocket inside his disguised outfit, discarded the disguise, and replaced it with his fedora to sit in his large red chair.<p>

"Good morning, Agent P," Monogram briefed from the television set above. "It seems Dr. Doofenshmirtz is once again up to no good. We were able to hack into his surveillance and found this." The Major's face was replaced by a black and white video of Doofenshmirtz lying down on the ground while quietly playing marbles. All appeared to be calm in the feed.

"Uh, Carl, are you sure this is the right tape? It just shows him playing marbles; I don't think that's all that evil. A little old fashioned, perhaps."

"I'm sorry, sir, I know I told you we hacked into his system, but I didn't say we actually found anything interesting."

"Well, then, what good are you?" Monogram's stern face appeared back on the screen. "Sorry, Agent P, but I guess we don't actually know what Doof's up to. Just get over there before he loses his marbles, both literally and figuratively."

Agent P saluted his superior officer and blasted off.

* * *

><p>"And the home of the braaaaave!" The crowd applauded and cheered as the last note hovered a tad heavy over the stadium.<p>

"I must say," Lawrence announced as he and the children sat down in their seats, "it's not as moving as a rendition of 'God Save the King', but you know, that national anthem has grown on me."

"Sometimes it embarrasses me to be with your dad," Buford whispered to Phineas and Ferb.

"He means well," Phineas responded to the bully.

The group settled in as they listened to the announcers' voices booming over the loudspeakers. "And we've got a marvelous match-up today as the Danville Dragons host the Sunbridge Scallywags in a titanic tussle of pretentious proportions, accompanied alongside an assuaged amount of alliteration."

The announcers switched as a second voice took over. "You can really feel the excitement in the air today, Bob. Just listen to that crowd!"

"Go Dragons!" Some yelled.

"Go Scallywags!" Others screamed.

Amidst the noise, one random fan interjected, "I'm actually a Red Sox fan, so I'm kind of neutral about who wins this game."

"And there's the Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated blimp," pointed out the announcer. "Yes, baseball fans, it's a perfect day at a balmy 82° Fahrenheit and a barometric pressure of…" His voice faded into the distance as a platypus-sized hover car zoomed past overhead in the direction of the dirigible. On cue, a male quartet of unknown origin or location emitted the familiar jingle: _Doofenshmirtz Evil Dirigible!_

"Now, what does this switch do again?" Doofenshmirtz asked nobody in particular as he inspected a lone square switch located about shoulder height on the wall next to him. Compulsively, he flipped it, and a trap door alongside him rotated inside-out accompanied by his nemesis.

"Perry the Platypus!" Doofenshmirtz shrieked at the sudden arrival of the action-pose-struck mammal.

"I told you to stop putting random switches all over the place," Vanessa drawled from the corner where she sat looking over a magazine. "And not just because they don't fit with the interior design."

Doofenshmirtz chuckled sheepishly as he scratched the back of his head. "Well, I'm sure there was a perfectly good reason for it at the time."

"Whatever."

Doofenshmirtz looked at his daughter. "Can you just trap Perry the Platypus for me already?"

With a heavy sigh and heavier eye-roll, Vanessa clicked the large red button on a single remote. A used pizza box launched out of somewhere and swallowed the secret agent whole, leaving one little flap open on top out of which he could stick his fedora-capped head.

"How do you like your trap, Perry the Platypus?" The evil scientist asked rhetorically. "Is it comfy? Cozy? A little tight? Good! It's one of my better ideas, I'll admit. I call it the Take-Out-The-Trash-Inator, or 'TOTTI' for short. See, it's an acronym, the conventions of which are only slightly more overused than alliterations. It lets me recycle some of my garbage as traps; I think next time I trap you, it'll be in a Mr. Slushy Burger take-out bag."

* * *

><p>"Alright, what'd I miss?" Candace asked as she took her seat.<p>

"We haven't seen too much happen yet," Phineas said. "The score is still tied up at zero-zero."

"Still? Man, I didn't know baseball could be so boring."

"Oh, give it a chance, Candace," Lawrence said. "Most Americans think football is boring yet it captivates the rest of the world!"

"Dad, soccer is lame," Candace dryly remarked.

"You know," Phineas thought aloud, "Candace has a point. From a spectator's perspective, sometimes a slow game can be a little tedious to sit through. Hey Ferb, I know what we're going to do—!"

"Oh no! You do not know what you're going to do today!" Candace interrupted. "We're at an outdoor facility, surrounded by the public; there's no way you can start building your crazy contraptions right here in the stadium!"

"Well, sure we can," Phineas chimed optimistically. "Granted, we don't have a lot of space, but I'm positive we'll be able to think of something, and nothing can stop the power of positive thinking."

"Ooh, I'm watching you!" Candace spat.

"Ah, great! Safety first!" Phineas said, misconstruing what she had meant, as he and Ferb stood to get to work.

"Grr!" Candace couldn't suppress her own growl of disapproval. _So much for distracting myself from all this,_ she thought to herself. _I wish Stacy were here._

* * *

><p>Stacy wished she could be anywhere but here. "So, why do they call them 'logs'?"<p>

Baljeet patiently explained. "Logarithms simply are a means we use to calculate exponents to numbers you are working with."

"I prefer using logs to make a fire."

Baljeet gasped. "No! You cannot burn math homework, it would be unthinkable! Oh, wait, you meant the other kind of logs, hehe," he realized with a short laugh.

There was a _bang!_ as Ginger barged through the front door and slammed it behind her. "Stacy, have you seen my tennis shoes?" She hollered, not realizing who was in the living room until she came in through the entryway and nearly jumped in surprise.

"Baljeet!" Ginger squeaked, eyes lighting up like flashbulbs. "I didn't know you were here."

"Were you looking for your pink ones or your orange ones?" Stacy asked her sibling.

"Orange whats?" Ginger responded with a glazed look.

"Shoes?"

That snapped her out of it. "Oh, right, um, it's actually not that important right now," she said, saddling down between the two (and slightly closer to Baljeet). "What are you guys doing?" She said, picking up a piece of scratch paper to dissect its inscriptions.

"We are engaging in a rudimentary overview of the basics of calculus," Baljeet stated.

"He's helping me improve my math grade," summarized Stacy.

"Oh, I need some help with my math, too!" Ginger exclaimed.

"What?" doubted Stacy. "Ginger, you're not even in a high school math class!"

Ginger waved her sister off. "So, Baljeet, tell me about, um, these things." She indicated by pointing at the paper in front of her.

"Well," the small boy nervously began, "we were just talking about logarithms, and how they are the inverses of exponential functions."

"Inverses of exponential functions," repeated Ginger. "Wow, that is _really_ interesting."

Stacy ducked out of sight to make a soft gagging noise while pretending to depress her uvula with her forefinger.

* * *

><p>"Now, Perry the Platypus, I'm sure you are wondering what evil scheme I am hatching today." Doofenshmirtz initiated his lengthy monolog. "You see, it all began two days ago, at the supermarket." The edges of the screen rippled out to show Doofenshmirtz waiting in a check-out line. "I was standing in line to check out and the lady in front on me was taking <em>for-e-ver!<em> No joke, she must have had like six hundred cans of Dr. Soda piled onto her cart, it looked like one of the pyramids or something. I kept on waiting, and it kept going, on and on. I would have, you know, switched to a shorter line, or something, but there were other shoppers behind me, and I wasn't about to give them the satisfaction of somebody ducking out ahead of them.

"As I waited, I suddenly began to feel a little queasy. It was then that I realized my grave mistake." Still in his flashback, Doofenshmirtz began perspiring and clutching his stomach, looking rather sick. "I had stood waiting for too long. My lunch of beans, broccoli, and cheese suddenly flared back at me with, shall I say, disastrous results." Doofensmirtz hunched over his cart in shame as the customers behind him began plugging their noses and shooting him dirty looks. It was too painful, and his mind refocused back on the present.

"It was the most embarrassing moment of my life. Except for the time I had to wear dresses to school. And the time I made that toilet video in high school. And the time those wales took my girl, and—okay, you know what? I guess there's a lot of ignominiously humiliating moments in my life, Perry the Platypus; but I'm telling you, this one ranks up there."

"Oh, I'm sure it 'rank', all right," Vanessa observed, causing Agent P to smirk.

"Ha ha, very funny Vanessa," Doofenshmirtz said. "But we'll see who has the last laugh. Behold, the Gassy-inator!" Doofenshmirtz threw both arms dramatically in the direction of a large stand rising out of the floor, a futuristic looking rifle resting on top. "I don't think I need to clarify what it can do. I plan to unleash its might on an unsuspecting Tri-State Area beginning with the most densely populated sector; which according to this computer screen is right below us at the Danville Dragons baseball game!" Doofenshmirtz laughed maniacally as he took the device and pointed it out the window, aiming for the crowds beneath.

"Boys will be boys," Vanessa sighed, casting aside her magazine and popping her headphones into her ears.

* * *

><p>"Boys and their sports," Candace muttered to herself as she watched the crowd around her rise to their feet in protest at the umpire's call.<p>

"Ferb, I think it's time we test out our first invention," Phineas said. Ferb withdrew a small camping chair from his pocket (how it fit there in the first place remains a mystery) and fastened it to the bench upon which he and Phineas sat.

"That's your lame invention?" Candace asked smugly. "Hah, I shouldn't have even worried."

"Wait for it," Phineas told his sister. Ferb pulled a drawstring and the chair instantly unfolded into a big, fluffy recliner large enough to be comfortable in yet small enough it squeezed into place. Phineas made one for his seat, too, and extracted a beverage from the armrest for a tasty slurp. Checking back on the action, Phineas realized he couldn't see over the row in front of him. "Uh, Ferb? Forget something?"

Ferb pulled a lever to his side and their new seats jumped twenty feet into the air, supported by a thin metal beam. Candace's jaw dropped.

"That's better," Phineas admitted. "Oh, hey, looks like it's the end of the fourth inning! That means we're up!" Ferb brought them back down and they stood to head off again.

"And where are you going this time?" Candace inquired, but it was too late; they were already gone. Moments later she spotted them down on the field.

"And now, ladies and gentlemen," one of the announcers boomed, "for the break, we'll be entertained by Phineas Flynn and Ferb Fletcher. Let's see if they can break the record for the world's fastest pitch!"

"Yeah, right," Candace said. "There is no way they can break the world record. In fact," at that, she pulled out her cell phone and dialed the same number she always did.

A groggy voice answered. "Candace, I'm in the middle of a nap. What do you need?"

"Mom, turn on the TV right now, Phineas and Ferb are up to something!"

"The boys are on TV? You're right, that is exciting." Candace heard some movement on the other end of the line, and allowed herself to watch what was happening on the pitch.

The umpire handed a baseball to Phineas, who in turn handed it to Ferb, who promptly gave it to a robot standing next to him.

"We built a robot that uses a state-of-the-art hydraulics chamber to pump extra torque," Phineas told the crowd through a microphone. "Let's see how it does."

The umpire pulled out a radar gun and stepped aside for the robot to assume the pitcher's mound. With a ridiculously unrealistic wind-up wherein the robot rotated its arm like a wind mill, the robot jerked forward, jettisoning the ball into the catcher's mitt at lightning speed.

"I read 145 miles per hour," the ump said. "That's a world record! Congratulations!"

And the crowd went wild. Phineas and Ferb waved as they made their way back to their seats.

"Mom, did you see that?" Candace asked. "Phineas and Ferb used a robot to break the world record fastest pitch! Hello? MOM!"

"I can't hear you, honey, there's too much background noise," Candace heard her mother say. "Let's see, here's the game; oh, it's on commercial, Candace. I must have missed it."

Candace snapped her phone shut and threw her head back. "Curse you, undesired television advertisements!" She screamed at the sky with a raised fist for dramatic effect.

"Just listen to those screaming fans!" The announcers spoke as Candace's outburst was replayed on the Big Screen Jumbotron.

* * *

><p>"Time to test out my Gassy-inator," Doofenshmirtz said as he looked down the scope mounted atop the barrel of his Inator. "Yes, that red-headed teenage girl on the big screen down there looks like the perfect target. See, she already looks like she's having a bad day, and I know just the way to make it worse!"<p>

Agent P was horrified to see that Doofenshmirtz had the Inator aimed straight for Candace. He stretched out his beak to try undoing the flap that held the box shut.

"And fire!" Doofenshmirtz shouted. A beam launched out from the Inator. Agent P craned his neck as far as it would go, finally straining just enough to release the fold and springing out of his trap to slam Doofenshmirtz with his tail.

* * *

><p>Jeremy wasn't sure if he heard what he thought he just heard. Phineas, who had just sat down on her other side, spoke what Jeremy was thinking. "Candace, was that you?"<p>

Candace tried her best to stop her face from turning red. "Oh, come on, Phineas. Grow up." She kept her face straight despite the snickers coming from either side of her.

Of course, Buford was not so inclined to keep quiet about it. "Hey, everybody, guess what! Candace farted!"

Isabella gasped. "Buford, that was rude!"

The bully ignored her and begun to chant. "Candace farted! Candace farted!"

"It's not a fart; it's just a natural body function!" Candace replied back.

"Candace farted! Candace farted!"

"Don't call it that! It's just a body function!"

"That's what you get for breaking the 'fart-th' wall, the point where it no longer breaks social conventions to discuss flatulence," he said. Thankfully, the obscenities ended there as Buford snickered to himself, having no intentions for allowing a song to start and distract him from the game.

* * *

><p>Doofenshmirtz was unable to appreciate the success of his machine as he was preoccupied wrestling with the platypus. "Unhand me!" The evil scientist croaked as he reached for a switch on his wall that looked like a regular light switch; but once hit, a boot loaded to a spring jumped from behind a trap door in the wall, knocking Agent P flying over Doofenshmirtz's shoulders.<p>

"See, Vanessa? I told you I needed all these switches!" Thinking quickly, Doofenshmirtz noticed a lever-type switch sitting nearby on his counter. He flipped it and immediately a cannon emerged from the tabletop, firing fruit upon his nemesis. Agent P easily dodged most of the ammunition, but was hit in the face by one lucky shot with a rotten tomato.

"That's right, Perry the Platypus! Fear the awesome power of my mighty fruit-wielding—urf!" With a splat, a tomato to the face cut Doofenshmirtz off mid-sentence. "I know always cutting me off is your thing, but where did you get that from?" He asked.

Agent P shrugged.

"Okay, if that's how you want it, then prepare yourself!" Doofenshmirtz turned his Inator on Agent P and began firing left and right, taking no care whatsoever to aim where he was shooting. Not surprisingly, none of them hit their target; a number of them instead escaped out the window.

A beam struck a balloon that a kid was holding, expanding the balloon to several times its original size.

A beam struck a pair of ankles showing under the stall in a bathroom; one foot was visibly tapping to the background music of a catchy tune possessing meaningless lyrics until the sound was drowned out by a toilet flushing.

A beam struck a cow chewing its cud in a pasture nearby. The cow expressed not a hint of surprise that there was anything out of the ordinary.

"Why can't I hit anything decent?" Doofenshmirtz asked aloud.

Agent P tapped his nemesis on the shoulder. "What now?" The evil scientist asked, turning from the window. Agent P took a lemon he'd acquired from the cannon's ammunition stocks and shoved it tightly down the barrel of the Inator, rendering it incapable of firing further.

A final wayward beam found a mirror standing in a landfill and was reflected back at the blimp. The blimp began to expand as it bloated with excess amounts of gas. Agent P sprinted for a nearby window and was about to jump out when Vanessa stopped him. "Wait Perry, can you drop me off at my Mom's really fast on your way out?"

Agent P looked back for a moment before nodding.

"Thanks." The secret agent took her by the hand and leapt out the window, falling briefly and then unleashing a two-person glider with his face occupying the logo on the back.

The blimp continued to expand to the breaking point, finally bursting and shooting through the air like a shooting star due to the immense pressure of gas escaping through the rupture. Despite the rapidly growing distance between the two, Agent P distinctly heard Doofenshmirtz call before being ultimately whisked away, "Curse you, Perry the Platypus!"

* * *

><p>"Looks like the Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated blimp has high-tailed it out of here, and who can blame it?" The announcer cried with a mournful voice. "That final run for the visiting team looks like it has devastated the morale of the Dragons. I'm sad to say we may be having a sad ending to this story after all, folks."<p>

"Right you are, Bob," the other announcer took over. "Any hope for the home team has all but dried up like a whale who found itself beached in Death Valley. As the classic song goes, _'Root! Root! Root for the home team! If they don't win, it's a copyright infringement to quote all the lyrics in this song!'_ Clearly, unless someone here is capable of the cheer of the century, this ball game is in the books."

"I don't believe it!" Phineas said discontentedly. "If they don't win, it's a shame!"

"Yes, I am sorry, Phineas," Lawrence consoled, "but you can't win them all, son."

"No, no you can't," replied Phineas. "But sometimes, all you need is the right spark. Ferb?"

Ferb gave his step-brother the thumbs up before pulling a remote out of his pocket and pressing its sole red button. Suddenly, giant lights appeared out beyond the outfield fences, rising dramatically to overlook the stadium. In a flash the electronic displays created a magnificently designed three-dimensional projection of a dragon. The creature roared loudly before belching a great fireball into the sky. From the flames the words _Go Dragons!_ were born, and the stadium erupted in cheers for the host team.

"It's beautiful!" One of the announcers commented. "I've never seen anything like that before!"

Candace already had her phone to her ear. "C'mon, Mom! Pick up! Pick up!"

* * *

><p>Linda stirred and peeked out from under her velvet black sleeping mask. With a grunt of impatience, she hit the silent button and rolled over.<p>

* * *

><p>Candace realized her mother wasn't picking up. "I can still use the camera to get my evidence!" She said aloud, trying to get a clear shot through all the cheering fans that were waving and hollering in front of her.<p>

"I think that should do the trick," Phineas told his step-brother, unaware of his sister's efforts to capture their work photographically. Ferb hit the button again, and the projection vanished.

"Oh, blast!" Candace said, returning both her rump to her seat and her attention to the game.

"It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and Mighty Manny 'the Smasher' McCallister is up to bat with two outs! Folks, you can't write drama better than this!" The announcers explained.

The stadium held its breath as the pitcher wound up and released the ball. Manny McCallister swung almost in slow motion. The ball veered, ever so slightly. But it was too late; with a _crack,_ the bat connected, sending the ball sky-high.

"It's up! It's flying! Deeper, deeper, over left field! Oh, it's gonna be close! I can't watch, the suspense is killing me!" The announcer cried, though nobody was listening.

"And it's, it's, it's gone! A home run! And that brings the final score to your Danville Dragons, four, the Sunbridge Scallywags, three!" The stands roared in jubilation as fireworks cracked against the sky.

_Take me out to the ball game!_ The speakers roared the classic song. _Take me out to the crowds! Buy me some peanuts and—._

At that moment, the people realized that that song couldn't be played on a TV show due to copyright restrictions. In the awkward silence that followed, Phineas looked at the gang, and said, "guys, you know what to do."

The music started again, this time with something that was actually owned by the show and therefore allowed to be aired.

_Go Dragons! Go, go Dragons!  
>Go Dragons! Go, go Dragons!<br>Go Dragons! Go, go Dragons!  
>Go Dragons, go!<em>

* * *

><p>"Oh, so you use the quadratic formula to solve for 'x', but you still need to test each answer against the intervals in the graph to find the exact solution," Ginger declared.<p>

"Yes," Baljeet assured, "that is correct!"

"You mean you actually get this?" Stacy asked her sister.

"It's pretty simple," Ginger replied.

Stacy slapped herself in her forehead. "That's it, we're done. Lesson over," she said, standing to brush Bajeet out the door.

"But we are scheduled to continue for another twenty minutes," he tried to explain before getting the door shut in his face.

"Stacy!" Ginger complained. "What was that for?"

"Don't you have some troop activity you're supposed to be at?"

Ginger gasped. "Tennis practice!" She remembered, quickly running upstairs to grab her things.

Stacy crossed her arms in disapproval. Assured she was alone, she whispered, "I think I'm gonna go ask Perry to use that mind-wiping device on me now, so I can forget everything I just saw."

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, so I just wanted to apologize if I offended anyone with those bathroom jokes, but after Candace's you-know-what in Return Policy I just had to get those out of me. I hope you all are enjoying these. I have several more planned so please wait patiently and I will post them when I can. I am a bit of a perfectionist so I take a long time to write, but it's worth it to make sure you guys are reading only my best work! As always, thanks for reading!<strong>


	4. Doof's Daily Dirt!

The Doof's Review!

_"It's time for Doofenshmirtz's Daily Dirt!_

"Welcome back, evil subscribers, to Doofenshmirtz's Daily Dirt! The only show where I, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, conduct a daily podcast or video or whatever you want to call it, even though they aren't technically daily, or even weekly for that matter; they're more hit-and-miss depending on my evil funds; and on this show, this podcast, as I believe they are called, or maybe it's a webcast? I can't really remember; let's just call it a 'cast' for short, like, uh, like, maybe it was broken and we had to put a cast on it, therefore, just cast; and this cast is where I show you my dirt on a daily basis, and it's mine, therefore, Doof's Daily Dirt. Or sometimes gravel, or cement, because I live in the city and sometimes dirt can be hard to come by. Of course it's all metaphorical, you see, so, I'm not actually going to bring you a jar of dirt and display it for the camera; it's metaphorical dirt, which is actually still surprisingly hard to come by, even for an evil genius, like myself.

"Now today, as you can probably see from the fact that you are reading my words rather than watching my video on your computer screen, I have decided to post everything I say in writing to assist those subscribers who may have some sort of hearing handicap, allowing them to still be able to follow everything I say on my show. I bought one of those programs where you just talk into the microphone and it types everything you say for you, and I have to admit, it comes in handy. Of course, it also lets me read everything as I say it, and wait! I just realized, my first paragraph has a really long run-on sentence, with comma after comma; it goes on for like, four lines! I guess I do have a tendency to ramble, don't I…

"Anyways, I have found a new trend on the internet that I think is really gonna catch on. It's a little something called Fan-fiction. Now you've probably never heard about it, so allow me to explain what exactly "Fan-fiction" is in laymen's terms. Fan-fiction is where all the nerds go when the main characters from a "canon," or the universe in which a certain story is set, don't fall in love the way they wanted. So they change the story in order to make sure that so-and-so ends up together with his or her best friend, or their best friend's cousin, or whatever; and then they go and claim they don't own the right to do so, as if that somehow makes it legal; and distribute it on the internet to their like-minded peer group of nerds who also "ship," or support, that pairing. So, suppose for instance, that I wanted to write a story where Ducky Momo falls in love with Howard the Duck; I know, gross, right? They have a Fan-fiction for that!

"Now I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that there are other genres on Fan-fiction besides romance, but c'mon? Who reads those?

"So the other day, when I first found the website where you can post your Fan-fiction stories, I was perusing a few stories at my leisure and found one called _Kick It Up A Knotch!_ It was really good! So good, in fact, that I wanted to talk about it on my show today and give it a review. I'm a little nervous because I've never reviewed a story before, but here goes. Ahem.

"Happy emoticon : ) I love this! This is so funny my eyes are crossed from laughing out loud, or 'ell-oh-ell'-ing, like this: XD. Please make more or I will zap you with my Shrink-inator. ALL CAPS! Jk I'm just kidding but seriously, someone should make a real cartoon show out of this. Keep it up!

"Perfect. Now, let's take a look at some other reviews. Using my latest invention, the Mindreader-inator, I will read the mind of the author and give his responses to each of them as is customary near the end of each chapter, something I notice he has neglected to do himself.

"KuriMaster13: The author says, thank you for your reviews and for laughing at all his jokes, even when you don't really think they're that funny. He also likes your Shedinja wearing a Giratina mask profile picture. I don't know what that means, but I think he's judging you.

"Galaxina-the-Seedrian: He says sorry you missed that episode. In hindsight, he guesses it was a good thing he called it "Candace's you-know-what" so that it didn't spoil it for you, and once you get a chance to see it, you'll know what he meant. Also, thanks for calling his stories awesome! Exclamation point. Those are his exact words and punctuation.

"Jet Engine: He says thanks for reading, and pun somewhat noted. I guess he means that, like, as in to mirror your review.

"chronofall: He agrees with you and Jet, and would happily submit his stories to a couple of guys I've never heard of, Dan Povenmire and "Swampy" Marsh, to see if they liked it, if he were able. I'm assuming those are some big-shot writers in Hollywood? Yeah right, like that'll ever happen. They're not allowed to accept any unsolicited material; everybody knows that.

"Ryan Stoppable: The author appreciates your comments and promises to make an effort of including the rest of the gang more in his future episodes.

"bilaterus: The author says thanks for your review and assures you he will take care now! He also wishes to apologize for borrowing one of your story ideas to use as a creative way to respond to all of the reviews he has received thus far—wait a second, am I being used? Double wait, bilaterus? Isn't that the profile I hacked into some time ago to publish a story about evil love? Hold on, suddenly I'm feeling very conflicted about the producer of this podcast—BZZT!"

_(The screen briefly goes berserk in an electronic blizzard of black and white pixels)_

_(The title reappears on screen as the Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated jingle plays)_

"Well, evil subscribers, I am compelled by someone, the name of whom I won't mention, to conclude now. Look into that Fan-fiction stuff, I think it's gonna hit off real soon. And happy evil!"

* * *

><p><strong>Special thanks to bilaterus for letting me play off the conventions of his story, <strong>_**Doof's (Evil) Phinbella Story,**_** co-authored with Blythehasfreckles.**


	5. Episode 4

Episode 4: A New Hope Busted

_Early one morning at the Flynn-Fletcher home…_

The voice of one neurotic teenage female could be heard through her open bedroom window from the dewy grass of the front lawn below. "Today! It all happens today! Wahahahaha!"

* * *

><p>The sun had just risen above the horizon to gently cast golden shafts of light into Candace's room when Stacy walked in, still stifling a yawn. "<em>Uah!<em> I got your text. Usually I'd still be sleeping in for another three hours, but here I am."

As Candace turned away from something she seemed to be carefully studying on her desk, her slouching posture betrayed the fact that she'd probably been standing like that all night. She instinctively wrung her hands together as she spoke. "Ah, Stacy the Hirano, you are just in time. And of course, by just in time I mean, er, something metaphorical about being just in time."

"Candace! You know I hate metaphors!" protested Stacy, taking a seat on the bed. "And don't call me 'Justin'!"

Candace moved in closer before speaking again. "You are probably wondering why I told you to come over so early," she began. Her statement was met with another yawn. "Well, remember how last night we were talking about boys, and you tried an internet search to learn some ways to tell if a boy likes you? Well, that got me thinking. What if I searched the internet to find ways to bust my brothers?"

"Ugh!" Stacy collapsed backwards onto the bed. "Please tell me you didn't."

"I did! And don't give me that look, Little Miss _'__oo__h! The internet knows all!"_ Candace mocked, using a sarcastically mystical voice.

Stacy grunted.

"Anyways," Candace continued despite the lack of enthusiasm she was getting, "I stumbled on the perfect plan, a foolproof way to bust my brothers." Candace paused dramatically, and Stacy tilted her head up slightly to see what the obsessed elder sibling was planning this time.

"Behold! The Bust'em-inator!" Candace loudly announced, grabbing some blueprints that had been lying on her desk and holding them out for Stacy to see. The designs showed a schematic for a complicated mechanical device that reminded Stacy a lot of some of Phineas' and Ferb's creations.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Stacy said, sitting up. "Is that what I think it is?"

"Yup."

"Hmm." Stacy took a closer look. The diagrams looked extremely complicated and intricate, a telltale sign they were probably real.

"I found it on some pharmacist's blog of inventions," Candace explained. "A real machine that will bust someone for you! Stacy, this is just what I've been needing all summer!"

"Are you sure it will work?" asked Stacy.

"Of course it will work!" Candace assured. "What better way to bust my brothers than using a machine just like the ones they always build?!"

Stacy thought it over. "You've got a point there. But how are you going to make it?"

"You mean, how are _we_ going to make it? C'mon, Stace, how hard could it be? My brothers build one of these babies every day, with just the blueprints. I'm sure we could figure it out."

For once, Stacy thought this might actually work. She followed her red-headed friend out the door as Candace cheerfully exclaimed, "I know who we're gonna _bust_ today!"

* * *

><p>The two entered the backyard to find Phineas and Ferb already gathered with the gang around their latest project. "Oh, hey Candace!" Phineas waved on sight. "Do you guys want to see our newest invention? We built a special machine that targets a certain electromagnetic frequency in the brain, eliminating all emotion from entering the cerebral cortex. It was Baljeet's idea."<p>

"I want to reason freely, unburdened by the shackles of human passion," Baljeet explained.

Candace puffed up to tell Phineas he'd be busted for something like that when she remembered the blueprints she had rolled up in her hand like a scroll. "Oh, uh, sure," she said, thinking quickly. "And we'll, you know, just 'borrow' any spare parts you have left over to make you a 'surprise' afterwards." Candace couldn't help grinning like mad at her own brilliance.

"Okay, cool!" Phineas replied, thoroughly incognizant of any ulterior motive. "Well, we barely finished it right before you came out; so you're just in time!"

"Stop calling me 'Justin'!" Stacy blurted, but Phineas had already rejoined the others to admire the brand new invention. It looked like an open telephone booth who's door was missing. A metal cap which could only be the place to put your head hung above a stool in the center.

"Is it ready to use?" Baljeet asked with an eager look.

"It's ready," responded Phineas, "but before anyone else says something, where's Perry?"

* * *

><p>"Good morning, Agent P," Monogram briefed from the large screen above. "Today, Doofenshmirtz is getting his lab inspected by a panel of evil scientists from L-O-V-E-M-U-F-F-I-N."<p>

"Sir," Carl interrupted from somewhere off-screen, "you can just say, 'LOVEMUFFIN'. You don't have to spell it out."

"That's just what they want you to say," Monogram returned sternly. "Anyway, we'll be sending you over incognito to observe the proceedings and if necessary, well, I think you know what to do."

Perry briefly saluted and departed.

* * *

><p>A gloved finger pressed a doorbell and the jingle, <em>Doofenshmirtz Dingdong Incorporated!<em> chimed through the apartment.

Doofenshmirtz answered immediately. "Ah, hello there! You must be the last one. Come in, come in, the other inspectors are just over there," Doofenshmirtz indicated, allowing a disguised Agent P to enter. The secret agent wore a white lab coat with black gloves, and had bushy eyebrows and a white wig that somewhat resembled an Albert Einstein look with frayed strands splaying every direction.

Agent P joined the throng of a half-dozen or so other evil scientists he recognized from events such as the LOVEMUFFIN potluck, the Dr. Feelbetter Show, and the day Lawrence competed to become the head of the League.

"Ladies and gentlemen; welcome to the Doof Cave!" Doofenshmirtz began. "Even though it's not really a cave, I admit; maybe you could call it a 'man-cave' and get away with it—I don't know, but that's not important right now. Why don't we begin over here at my grand overlook of the city? I already have a few prototypes set up on the balcony." Turning to lead the way, Doofenshmirtz brought the group to a small array of menacing machines each aimed at the city below.

"First off, we have the Splash-inator," explained Doofenshmirtz. "It—doesn't really do anything, I just left it out as a decoy in case my nemesis came by early or something to try to foil our appointment."

Suddenly one of the inspectors spoke up while marking something on a clipboard. "Ah yes, your nemesis. Do you have a trap prepared for his arrival?"

"But of course," Doofenshmirtz assured. "He should be here soon, and I think you'll find everything is in order."

"It better be. Remember, we are here not only to critique you on your evil schemes, but on your nemesis interactions as well."

"I know, this isn't my first rodeo!" said Doofenshmirtz. "Now, allow me to direct your attention over here to just a few of my other prototypes. Here we have the Fish-out-of-water-inator, the Internet-search-inator, the Drool-inator, the Window-glare-inator; you can find the full list on my blog. Some of them I haven't got around to building yet, they're just blueprints at the moment."

"What does that one do?" Another of the inspectors asked, pointing at a particularly wicked looking device.

"Ah, you like my Volunteer-inator, do you? Yes, well, I could tell you, but wouldn't a demonstration be so much better?" Doofenshmirtz said, hitting a large red button. He rubbed his hands together as the machine powered up, finally shooting a whitish-blue plasma beam off into the city.

There were "oohs" and "ahs" as the panel of judges took more notes. "What did it do?" one asked. "Where did it hit?"

"Hopefully, my ex-wife. Now, why don't we move on to some of my more diabolical creations?"

* * *

><p>"Alright, who'd like to go first?" Phineas asked the group.<p>

Before she even knew what happened, Candace's hand shot in the air. "I volunteer as tribute! I mean—." Not wanting to look foolish, she added, "—as tester! Like, to make sure it's safe, and everything."

"Don't worry, Candace," Phineas said as he gently pushed her into the machine. "We haven't had any accidents yet!"

"Really?"

"Yeah. You're our first costumer." Before Candace could stop to think about what was happening, he'd already sat her down on the machine and attached the cap to her head. "Now, you might feel something like a static shock at first, but afterwards, you won't feel anything."

"Well that's good to know."

"No," Phineas explained, "you won't _feel_ anything. You will no longer experience human emotion."

"Wait, what? What does that mean? Phineas?!"

Before anything else could happen, Ferb plugged in the machine, and in a flash of light and a spark, it revved to life. "How come she got to go first?" Baljeet complained softly as the process quickly came to an end. With that, Ferb unplugged it, and the cap retracted itself from Candace's brain.

"Well?" Phineas asked. "How do you feel?"

For a second, Candace's face gave away that she thought that was a silly question. "By touching something with your hand," she stated matter-of-factly. Then, when she saw the slightly confused looks of those around her, she continued, "Although, by the context in which you framed your question, I believe you were actually implying that you wished me to analyze the emotional interpretation of my body's cumulative subjective experience at this given point in time. In which case, it would be impossible to identify a word that better describes the reactiveness of my amygdala to the environmental stimuli of pain and pleasure than the phrase, not at all; though it would be futile to explain the reasoning behind that to creatures whose only measure of understanding comes from relation to familiar experience, so to avoid unnecessary explanation of the irrelevant I will say merely, I'm good."

Stacy looked floored. Phineas zoned out about half-way through her discourse, glancing back and forth between Ferb and Isabella to make sure they were seeing the same thing he was. Baljeet and Buford stood just staring at her with mouths agape. "I am so in love with her right now," Baljeet whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

"What?" Buford asked.

"Nothing."

"I—guess that means it worked," Phineas decided. "Anyone else want to try?"

Baljeet looked like he was ready to dive in headfirst when Isabella said, "Uh, Phineas? Are you so sure that removing _all_ someone's emotions is a good idea?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well," Isabella paused to figure out how best to say it, "it just seems to me that people _need_ to be able to feel. Without their feelings, they can't do something like, oh, I don't know, fall in love, and stuff."

Buford snorted. "What a girly thing to say." Isabella glared in return.

Phineas seemed to consider it. "Maybe you're right, Isabella. We should wait and see how Candace does first before letting anybody else try it."

"Aww," Baljeet sighed, hanging his head.

* * *

><p>As Doofenshmirtz was explaining each of his various inventions to the fellow evil scientists, Agent P noticed the frowns on each of their faces deepening as the devices grew sillier. It did not look like he was impressing them at all. "Here we have the Juggle-inator, the Lamppost-inator, the Kitty-litter-inator, the Rendezvous-inator, the Spam-inator—the meat kind, mind you, not the junk-mail kind; that one's over there: the Junk-mail-inator!" It was not hard to imagine why what happened next shocked Doofenshmirtz so much it caused him to visibly jump in recoil.<p>

"Stop wasting our time with these worthless Inators!" One of the judges Agent P recognized as Dr. Diminutive exploded. "I'm starting to understand why your nemesis isn't here yet, Doofenshmirtz! He doesn't think you are competent enough to bother thwarting!"

Agent P cringed as all the other evil scientists gasped at the insinuation, and several pencils began scratching on their clipboards at a disturbingly increased rate. He even felt a little sorry for him, once he saw the way Doofenshmirtz was taken aback by that comment.

"Wow, that happened," Doofenshmirtz said aloud.

"Ze short von is right," a French accented female scientist Agent P didn't know the name of said. "We have seen enough of your inventions, and zey stink. Either show us your nemesis, or we will be forced to present a bad review to ze League."

Doofenshmirtz uncomfortably pulled at his collar. "Heh, look guys, I'm sure he's just stuck in traffic, or something. He'll be here, h-he always comes!"

The other evil scientists were already heading back for the front door. "Hold on!" Doofenshmirtz shouted, running ahead to block the way. "Hold on, give me one more chance! Just wait a little longer, I know he'll be here!"

Agent P watched the other scientists look at each other and decided now was as good a time as any. From where he stood in the center of the group, he tore off his evil scientist costume.

"Okay, who brought the platypus in here?" Doofenshmirtz asked. Agent P gave the same unimpressed look he always gave and capped himself with his fedora. "Perry the Platypus!?"

"Quick, Doofenshmirtz, trap him before he starts beating us up!" Dr. Diminutive yelled before turning tail and running across the room.

Doofenshmirtz hastily produced a remote from his lab coat pocket and pressed the single large red button. A suitcase emerged from the floor beneath the secret agent, swallowing him whole but for his head, leaving him free to observe his surroundings.

"See, guys? I told you, I had it covered," Doofenshmirtz said smugly. "You can all stop hiding like scaredy-cats."

Somehow, the panel of inspectors had managed to scatter across the room and hide in the few seconds Agent P had stood in their midst. Now they hurried to regroup, hoping not to look too much like they had ever been scared to begin with.

"So," a tall evil scientist with a buttoned-up lab coat said, "this is Perry the Platypus, the most feared agent of OWCA? Hmf. How pathetic."

"You're one to talk," one of his peers reminded, "considering your nemesis is Howie the Housefly."

"Hey! He's really hard to lay one on in a fight!" The tall one defended himself amidst snickers from the others. "Let's just finish the inspection, already! Make sure the trap is up to code and all."

The others quickly surrounded Agent P to study the suitcase he was tightly zipped in and began swarming him with questions. "Can you breathe normally?" "Can you feel your extremities?" "Does it hurt if I poke you here?" "Does Doofenshmirtz provide an adequate supply of water?" "Are you a member of the Agency Union?" "How many fingers am I holding up?" "What color is the sky?" "Where can I find the cheapest auto parts store?" "What is the fastest land animal?" "Who was the first man to walk on the moon?" "What year was Leonardo Da Vinci born?" "Can you tell me the order of Maslow's hierarchy of needs?" "What is the thirty-second element on the periodic table?" "If two trains leave from Moscow and Berlin going towards each other at 80 miles per hour, how long will it take for them to meet?" Agent P was starting to feel a headache when finally it was all over.

"I'm impressed, Doofenshmirtz," one of the inspectors who was sporting a beard announced. "Your trap actually exceeds League specifications. It is humane yet cartoonish; escapable yet impedimenting. However," the man paused to emphasize his next sentence, "due to the incompetence of your Inators, and the fact that you failed to recognize a secret agent without his hat, it won't be enough to pass inspection. Unless—."

"Nooooo!" Doofenshmirtz cried. "You can't fail me! I need this for my credentials! If I fail to pass inspection, they'll take away my evil science degree and I'll be disqualified from receiving any funding from the Inator Company! And, hey! It's not like any of you saw through his disguise either!" He got down on his knees and begged. "There just has to be a way I can still pass! Please!"

"Do you ever stop talking? I wasn't finished!" the head inspector said. "I was about to say, it won't be enough to pass inspection, _unless_ you destroy your nemesis, Perry the Platypus."

"_Destroy_ Perry the Platypus?" Doofenshmirtz asked, sounding a little confused. "You mean, like, _destroy_ Perry the Platypus?"

"Are there any other meanings of the word 'destroy'?"

Doofenshmirtz took a sideways glance at Agent P. "But, he's my nemesis!"

"Precisely."

Slowly, Doofenshmirtz got to his feet. Agent P swallowed loudly as he saw a shadow cross the evil doctor's face.

* * *

><p>The group had returned back to the living room to decide what to do.<p>

"Well, all her vitals seem stable, though that's to be expected, I suppose," Phineas told the others while Ferb put away the stethoscope he'd been using to listen for Candace's heartbeat. "What we really need are some tests to see how she'd react to stressful situations. Ferb, let's prepare the gladiator arena and our digital holographic projector."

"Or we could ask her to tell us what she's thinking," Isabella said.

"That's the second most girly thing I've heard today," Buford reported, but quickly looked away when Isabella shot him another glare.

All the group looked at Candace, wondering what she'd say this time. Candace looked around, taking a moment to think before saying, "What have I got in my pocket?" At that, she pulled out the blueprints she had been holding on to earlier.

"Some blueprints, cool! Let me see those!" Phineas said, snatching them from his sister's hand. "It says how to build a 'Bust'em-inator'," he informed the others. "Cool! Did you want us to help you build this, Candace? It looks like fun!"

"Fun is illogical," Candace murmured.

"Uhh, I guess, from a certain point of view," Phineas said, looking like he had a hard time swallowing that statement. "But it's definitely rewarding, refreshing, and rejuvenating!"

Candace's expression didn't change. "So is breathing. But breathing serves a purpose, and keeps you alive. Even if you wanted to, you couldn't stop breathing for more than a minute."

"Uh," Phineas put his hand to his chin in thought. "Maybe you're right. But what if I—took your 1984 collectible Ducky Momo plate where they reprinted the entire plate upside down—and threw it like a Frisbee!?" He said it extra fast while grabbing the plate and acted like he was about to throw it before anybody had time to react, but Candace didn't seem to mind at all. She just watched him with a Ferb-like stoicism.

"No reaction," Phineas noted, putting it back down. "Interesting."

* * *

><p>"How am I supposed to destroy Perry the Platypus? We've been through a lot together! I can't just destroy him!" Doofenshmirtz was still complaining.<p>

"Either you destroy him right here, right now, or you will fail this inspection," one evil scientist responded.

With a slump, Doofenshmirtz seemed to accept there was no way around it. "Okay, just give me a second to say good-bye to my nemesis first." Doofenshmirtz walked to Agent P, an honestly sad look on his face. "I'm sorry it has to come to this, Perry the Platypus," he said, "but I guess we both knew it was going to end this way one day. It's been a heck of a run, pal. Whenever I get foiled by Peter the Panda or whoever they assign to me, I'll always remember the times we had." With a great heave, he laid his hands over his face and said, "I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry!" Then he had to extract a tissue from his lab coat and loudly blew his nose.

After a moment to regain his composure, Doofenshmirtz put the tissue away and replaced the menacing evil grin he always wore. "Now, Perry the Platypus, it is time for you to meet your doom, once and for all!" He ran quickly for a nearby -inator, jumping into the seat to take aim at the platypus.

Agent P jammed his beak into the zipper of the suitcase, using it like a crowbar to pry it open. Right as Doofenshmirtz fired the laser Agent P burst forth from his trap and dodged out of harm's way.

"Oh, you escaped from your trap, did you?" Doofenshmirtz catcalled. "I'd expect nothing less from you in our final battle!" Doofenshmirtz sprang from the machine and picked up a nearby rocket-launcher type of –inator, using it to rain an unusual combination of dirty socks, flat basketballs, and folded umbrellas for ammunition upon the secret agent. Agent P effortlessly dodged them all, springing up to break the –inator with a smash of his elbow.

Doofenshmirtz was knocked backward by the impact. The look on his face seemed to change to one of dejected failure as he came to realize the inevitable—he never won. Agent P watched the life of this poor man unfold on the pupils in his eyes; realizing how much passing this inspection meant to him, he suddenly felt sad for his nemesis. And that gave the clever spy an idea.

Agent P threw a lazy punch, one that he knew even Doofenshmirtz could dodge, and braced for a retaliatory karate chop to the head. Through the stars, he saw a look of surprise, then glee mark itself on Doofenshmirtz's face. Agent P smiled too, though it only lasted a moment as Doofenshmirtz grew in confidence by landing another strike. Again and again, Agent P staggered backwards from another blow, hoping that the panel of inspectors didn't notice he was purposely going easy.

"Doofenshmirtz!" One of them called. "You're doing it! Give him another right, another left!"

"I know, I can hardly—hah!—believe it myself!" Doofenshmirtz yelled back.

Agent P let himself get knocked down by the final blow, and Doofenshmirtz stood panting heavily over him.

"Now is your chance, Doofenshmirtz!" The bearded evil scientist coached. "Destroy him now!"

Agent P gently picked himself up and hobbled to the balcony, turning one last time to let the inspectors see his legitimate black eye before casting himself over the edge.

"Aww, fishsticks," the head inspector said. "Well, Doofenshmirtz, you may not have destroyed him, but you won a decisive victory in the name of evil, and I think that's good enough. Here's your certification, you pass inspection." He handed the still gasping scientist a slip of paper while the others applauded.

"I did it!" Doofenshmirtz said, throwing his arms up in celebration. "I won, didn't I! Yes!"

From up in the rafters, a not-nearly-so-hurt-as-he-previously-appeared-to-be Agent P gave a tiny nod and disappeared into a ventilation shaft.

* * *

><p>"I think I have figured it out now," Phineas told the others. "Because Candace doesn't feel emotion anymore, there's nothing motivating her to do anything besides sit on the couch and exist. Check this out," he said, turning to face his sister, "Candace, do you want us to build this machine that you have the blueprints for, or do you want me to throw it in the garbage?"<p>

Candace shrugged. "It doesn't concern me."

Stacy jumped up at that moment. "What about busting your brothers? Remember that scheme that you ran by me this morning?"

With no sign of emotion in her face or voice, Candace responded. "It once gave me pain to see what my brothers do, but no longer. I don't feel like busting them anymore." Phineas gave her a quizzical look like he didn't have any idea what she was talking about.

"What about Jeremy?" Isabella said, catching on. "Don't you want to go see your boyfriend?"

In dead calm, Candace said, "Not worth the energy. I'd burn at least 225 Calories walking there, and for what purpose? To listen to some music? Watch a movie? Talk? What an illogical thing to do. It's better to save that energy for something important, like if an asteroid was hurtling toward earth."

"Ooh, I got one!" Buford exclaimed, deducing that insults might work. "Why's your neck so long? Was your dad a brontosaurus or somethin'?"

"Negative; and before you try further to elicit an emotional response from me, it is never going to happen."

"Wow," Phineas said conclusively. "Looks like it worked a little too well. I guess you need emotion to motivate you to do something, or you'll never do anything. Maybe removing it all from a person was a bad idea. Sure, you won't feel humiliation or fear or depression or anger ever again, you also can't experience love or joy, or even just the simple pleasure of having fun! Sorry Baljeet, looks like Ferb wins this debate."

Ferb blinked loudly.

* * *

><p>"Ferb's reversed the polarity of the machine, so this should bring you back to normal," Phineas told Candace as she sat once again inside their invention. "Oh, there you are, Perry," he mentioned in passing as Ferb hit the switch once more.<p>

In a flash of light, it was over, and Candace practically bolted out of the machine.

"Gotta bust, gotta bust, gotta bust-bust-bust!" She sang to the tune of the Lone Ranger overture and raced all across the backyard building her Bust'em-inator with superhuman speed. "Gotta bust, gotta bust, gotta bust-bust-bust!"

"Whoa, she's building it even faster than we usually would!" Phineas exclaimed to Ferb as they watched her zip by multiple times.

"Gotta bust, gotta bust, gotta bust-bust-bust! Gotta bust! Gotta bust! Bust! Bust!" No sooner had she finished her song than the –inator was also completed.

Candace stopped to catch her breath. "You guys—are so—busted—this time!" She panted, placing her hand over her chest to feel her heartbeat slow. "As soon as—I push—this button." There was a _beep! _as she jammed it with her finger.

Some lights located at the top of the machine started flashing, and Candace chuckled crazily while wiggling her steepled fingers as a siren-like noise beeped at a steadily increasing rate. Faster and faster the siren screamed, and in a climactic finale a cartoonishly-loaded boxing glove shot out, punching the emotion-sapping booth to bits before self-destructing itself. Now where the two inventions had stood, there was nothing left but a pile of wreckage.

"Na-hah-hah!" Candace sobbed, falling to her knees. "The Bust'em-inator busted the project instead of the culprits! It was supposed to work this time! It was supposed to work! This! Ti-hi-hime!"

"Aw, cheer up, Candace," Phineas said optimistically. "There's always tomorrow."

"Well, as long as there aren't any asteroids hurtling toward earth," Ferb clarified with a finger held up.

At that moment, Linda opened the back door and shouted, "Kids, I'm home!"

"Hi Mom!" Phineas responded.

"You guys ready for some snacks?"

"Only always!" The group cheered.

Before reentering the house, Linda commanded, "Candace, don't forget to clean up that mess before you come inside!"

Candace, raising her fist to the sky, yelled, "Curse you, inadequate blueprint manufacturer—person!"

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, as the credits roll…<em>

Irving entered the backyard with a boy nobody recognized. "Hi, Phineas! Hi, Ferb!"

"Hi, Irving!" Phineas replied.

"How'd today's project go?" Irving asked.

"Oh, quite smoothly, all in all," Phineas answered. "Who's this?"

"Phineas," Irving introduced pompously, "this is my cousin from California."

"Nice to meet you!" Phineas said. "Well, we were all just about to go inside for snacks, so you are just in time!"

Irving and his cousin fan-squealed the moment Phineas completed his sentence. "Eeeeeeeee!"

"What?" Phineas inquired.

"You know my name!" Irving's cousin hyperventilated. _"The great Phineas Flynn actually knows my name!"_

"Excuse me?"

"I'm Justin Time! You knew I'm Justin Time, without me even having to tell you!"

"O-_kay_," Phineas said.

Irving and Justin squealed again at an even higher pitch this time before simultaneously fainting.


	6. Episode 5

Episode 5: This Title Is A Little Fishy  
><span>

"Ferb, turn around! There's a bear right behind you!" Phineas' frantic voice could be heard close by. "Quick, run!"

Nonplussed, Ferb pulled a vine that dangled beside him like a lever and a large cage built of sticks fell and trapped the bear just a few feet behind him. "Oh! Ferb, you are _good!_"

"This show is gonna be great!" Phineas exclaimed as he and Ferb watched the scene playing on their computer screen. There was a noisy sound effect that caused the two brothers to flinch. "Ouch, that's gonna leave a mark."

"Yes, on the bear." Ferb finished his thought for him.

Just then, the back gate opened. "Hi guys," Isabella greeted as she entered the yard. "What'cha doin'?"

"Oh, hey, Isabella," replied Phineas. "Ferb and I were just putting the finishing touches on a new TV show we created. It's called, 'Wild vs. Ferb'. In it, Ferb displays wilderness survival skills in various environments and situations." As he explained, they watched a slideshow on the computer screen which showed Ferb rubbing sticks together to start a fire, painting a picture of a platypus on a cave wall with some dye, constructing a water distillery, and fleeing from an angry pack of alpacas. Isabella raised a curious makeup-inserted eyebrow when an out of place photo of the floating baby head appeared next.

"What's with the baby head?" she asked.

"Whoops, how did that get in there?" Phineas blushed as he jumped to transition to a different slide.

"Wow, that looks like a lot of fun, you guys," Isabella said as she watched. "It reminds me of some of our troop activities." The next slide was a photograph of Ferb attempting to spear a fish in shallow water. "You know, I've never gone fishing before," she said thoughtfully. "It's something I've always wanted to try."

Phineas' inner light bulb flicked on. "That's it! I know what we're going to do today! We'll take a fishing trip! Ferb, you round up the others, and I'll go get—hey, where's Perry?"

* * *

><p>Perry stood in the empty garage in mindless pet mode. A second or two passed and the garage door-opener light flicked off automatically, obscuring the scene behind a veil of darkness. In moments, the light flicked back on accompanied by the crank of the door, and the red family Stationwagon pulled in to the empty space into which he had mysteriously vanished.<p>

Agent P put on his fedora the instant he landed in his lair. "Ah, good morning, Agent P," Major Monogram greeted from the screen above. "I have grave news. This photograph just appeared on the internet this morning."

The Major's face was digitally overlapped by a picture of Ducky Momo sitting in an outdoor café across from Agent D, Darius the Duck, one of Agent P's colleagues in the O.W.C.A.

"As you can see," Monogram continued in the background, "Agent D's cover has been blown. The headlines are already reporting, 'Ducky Momo spotted on a date with a duck in a fedora!' It's a disaster, clearly. We haven't been able to contact Agent D, and we need you to investigate. This takes priority over your regular mission. Doofenshmirtz is gonna have to wait."

Agent P saluted in acknowledgement before his red chair launched him out of his lair like a catapult into his Platypus-mobile, or Platmobile for short.

* * *

><p>Linda walked in the front door to find her eldest daughter plastered to the TV screen. "Candace, Mrs. Johnson's neighbor's sister's doctor's manager's cousin's step-mother just broke her hip, and I'm off to take her a card with a microwaveable lasagna. Do you think you can hold down the fort until I get back?"<p>

"Yeah, yeah, Mom, just be quiet! I'm trying to watch the news!" Candace shouted over her shoulder.

"And what has you so interested in the news this morning?" Her mother inquired.

"Ducky Momo—I mean, some wannabe in a Ducky Momo suit is trying to get attention," replied Candace, trying to remain nonchalant.

"Mm-hm. Well, hopefully I won't be gone too long," Linda said while she grabbed her things from the kitchen.

Just as she was on her way back out the door, Phineas and Ferb passed in the opposite direction in the hallway. "Mom, is it alright if we go fishing at the lake today?" Phineas asked.

"Sure thing, kids. In fact, I'm sure your father won't mind if you take his tackle box."

"No worries, Mom, we've already got it covered."

"Alright. Well, be safe and have fun. I gotta go." With that, she closed the door behind her and drove off.

Phineas turned around and saw Candace standing unnervingly close while blocking his path to the backdoor. "You better not be up to anything," she said with a leer.

"Like I told Mom, we're going fishing today," Phineas exclaimed with his usual zest. "You can come if you'd like."

"No thank you," Candace said, backing off. "I am plenty busy doing my own normal things in my own normal life."

"Fair enough," Phineas stated. "Ferb, did you grab the hyperbolic disapplicator? Ah, good. Well, see you later, Candace!"

Candace suspiciously watched through the window blinds as the two joined their friends and left. "They're up to something bust-worthy, I know it!"

* * *

><p>As Agent P tracked the coordinates he'd received of Agent D's location, he was surprised to find that the duck was somewhere in the woods near the lake. The small GPS tracker Agent P held confirmed that he was close. He peeked around a large tree and saw his associate sitting a short distance away in a small meadow; with him sat Ducky Momo, they appeared to be enjoying a romantic picnic together.<p>

Agent D and Ducky Momo were gazing into each other's eyes when Agent P landed in between them. Turning to his fellow secret agent, Perry chattered to see what was going on. "Grdrdrdrdrd."

"Quack," Agent D responded.

"Grdrdrdrdrd," replied Agent P.

"QUACK!" Agent D shoved Agent P hard out of the way, returning his focus to Ducky Momo. Perry suddenly could see pink heart-shapes that had cartoonishly manifested themselves in Agent D's pupils. The platypus stood and slapped his friend across the face. The hearts were replaced by purple hypnotic swirls, and the duck shook its head to clear them.

"Quack?" Agent D seemed suddenly confused. There was a beep, and he looked down at his wristwatch communicator to see Monogram's face staring back at him.

"Agent D! What are you doing?" The Major asked sternly. "Your cover's been blown, the news has been posting pics and videos of you all morning! Get back to HQ forthwith, so we can begin to deal with the situation."

Agent D saluted with a noticeable frown on his face.

Monogram turned to face Perry. "Sorry to have to get you involved in this, Agent P, but we need to ask one more thing of you. For today, you'll have to thwart Agent D's nemesis. I think we both know we can afford to give Doofenshmirtz one day off."

As Agent D arose to leave, Ducky Momo made a sad sounding "quack!" and held out its arms in an inviting fashion, not wanting him to go. Agent D gave a straight-armed "talk to the hand" gesture and walked off, bill pointed in the other direction.

Agent P gave an apologetic tip of the hat and followed his colleague, leaving Ducky Momo slumped over, moping all alone.

* * *

><p>Phineas, Ferb, and the gang stood at the lake's edge, taking in the breathtaking forest scenery that surrounded them. Phineas inhaled deeply. "Ah, nature," he said.<p>

"You are ruining _my_ ability to smell nature," Baljeet whispered to Buford.

"What? That was natural!" The bully smirked in return.

"Alright, guys," Phineas winded up to reveal his and Ferb's new invention for the day. "To help us catch the fish, Ferb and I built the Fish-Catching Jumbotronic 2000!"

"Ooh!" The others said as they turned to see a tall robot standing just outside what the camera's field of view had been a second earlier.

"It has sonar capabilities to scan for where the fish are, superfine dexterity for untangling snared lines, an automatic worm-baiter, and a motorized casting launcher, all under remote control. Plus, it's sturdy enough to lift a 300-pound object, so even the 'big-one' won't be able to get away!" Phineas said proudly. "Oh, and it also has a chest cavity for a freezer-box, so that we can keep our drinks cool!"

"Wow, you guys think of everything," Isabella stated. "You know what would be fitting right now? A spontaneous musical number! Too bad we don't have one."

"Why not?" Baljeet asked.

"They're not as easy as they look," Phineas replied.

"Sure they are," Buford said. "All you have to do is start singing, like this: _Ohhhhh—!_" Just then, a fly flew in his mouth, causing him to cough and sputter.

"Are you alright, Buford?" Isabella asked as he tried not to gag.

"Happens all the time," he said once he caught his breath.

The corners of the screen went dark, indicating someone was watching them via a looking device. Candace hid behind a tree some distance away, with hands shaped like pretend binoculars pressed against her face. "I knew they would build something!" She said to herself. "They are so busted!"

"Candace?" A voice just behind caused her to jump.

"Stacy? What are you doing here?"

"Uh, making a cameo?" Stacy said, like she wasn't too sure about it herself. Both teenagers looked at where the camera would have been.

"What, too soon?" asked Stacy.

Candace groaned. "Nevermind. I'm trying to bust my brothers."

"Roger that, but how are you going to out in the middle of—."

"Shh!" Candace said, cutting her best friend off. "Did you hear something?" Both girls stopped and listened.

A bush behind them had begun to shake. The girls, eyes wide with fright, clutched each other for dear life. "W-who's there?" Suddenly, out jumped Ducky Momo!

"A wild Ducky Momo appeared!" Stacy shouted.

"Quack! Quack! Quack!"

"AHHHH!"

"Run!" Screamed Candace, and they took off sprinting through the woods.

* * *

><p>"Did you guys hear something that sounded like teenage girls screaming?" Phineas asked.<p>

"Yeah," Isabella answered, "I just figured a random laser flashed across the city sky again."

"Maybe they're filming a forest scene for a scary movie," Buford responded.

"I was going to pretend I did not hear anything, in case it was something dangerous," Baljeet said.

Ferb remained silent.

* * *

><p>"Why are we running?" Stacy asked.<p>

"It creates tension and a sense of urgency in this otherwise dry story!" puffed Candace.

Stacy chafed at that. "This coming from the girl who disapproved of my cameo line!"

"Less talking! More running for your life!"

"Candace!" Stacy shouted, skidding to a halt. "It's a character from a little kid's cartoon! What is there to be afraid of?"

That caused the red-head to coast to a stop. "I—don't know."

There was a crunch somewhere behind them. "Quick, let's hide behind this tree," Stacy whispered, bending over to pick up a branch from the ground. "And when Ducky Momo walks by, we'll knock him out with this stick!"

"Great idea, Stace!" Candace agreed, and they hid in wait for their prey to arrive. Within minutes, Ducky Momo waddled its way past them down the trail they had run. Stacy crept up behind and swung mightily. There was a distinct grunt as Ducky Momo fell face first onto the ground. The impact knocked off the head that had been attached to the remainder of the yellow costume, and both girls gasped when they saw who was inside.

"Garr! I feel like me brain be swimmin' circles round in Davy Jones' Locker!"

* * *

><p>Agent P flew to the coordinates of his assigned nemesis-for-the-day's apartment and smashed in through the wall.<p>

"Perry the Platypus!" Agent D's nemesis was the large evil scientist that always wore a monocle, whom Perry recognized from some of the LOVEMUFFIN conventions. This was the first time he'd heard the man's voice, which was surprisingly soft-spoken and quiet. "Not cool. I don't know how you and Heinz do things, but Darius the Duck never smashes through my wall like that; I'm just saying."

Agent P tried not to look too sorry as he scanned the room for whatever evil invention he'd have to destroy today. The evil scientist pulled a lever that was sticking out of the apartment floor, and Agent P fell through a trapdoor into a large fish tank aquarium which automatically appeared at ground level.

"Ohohohoho! Bet you didn't see that one coming, did you?"

Agent P stuck a harmonica-sized breathing device into his mouth.

"Good thing they sent a semi-aquatic mammal to sub for Darius the Duck, he prefers water-themed traps and I didn't have time to prepare anything else," the evil scientist who Agent P couldn't remember the name of mused. "Imagine if you had been Kerry the Cat instead! Mufufufu!

"Anywho, let me show you my latest invention. Witness, my Electromagnetic Hypnotifier!" A stage descended from the ceiling to reveal a large contraption resembling a revolving fan. "I created this machine to hypnotize anyone who watches when these blades light up and spin. They then do my bidding without question! Until something snaps them out of it, that is, like a blow to the head. I already used it on Darius the Duck earlier today after testing it out on a crazy peg-legged sailor."

Of course, thought Agent P. That explained why Agent D seemed so infatuated with Ducky Momo this morning, yet when Agent P smacked him, he instantly remembered his duty to the Agency. This Monocled Madman, or whatever his name was, must have done that to him. Then Perry chuckled in spite of himself. Monocled Madman, that's a good one.

"I bet you're not used to seeing a professional at work, stuck with Heinz as your nemesis," the Monocled Madman said. "That fool probably couldn't even tie his shoes alone."

Agent P thought he had a point. He suddenly wondered what Doofenshmirtz was up to right now.

* * *

><p>"Where is he? Perry the Platypus should have been here like an hour ago!" Doofenshmirtz told Norm.<p>

"Would you like me to call and reschedule?" The robot asked.

"No, we're not really on a schedule, it's—it's merely implied!"

"Hey Dad," Vanessa asked, emerging from her room in the back, "can I go see the new _Vampire Sidekick_ movie with Lacey?"

"Is that the really scary one that is likely rated above your age recommendation, a fact which I may or may not have neglected to check in my obligation as a responsible parent?"

"That's the one."

"Why sure, honey, here's a twenty."

"Thanks, Dad," Vanessa said sweetly.

"You're welcome, daughter," Doofenshmirtz replied lovingly.

Suddenly Norm interjected. "What about us, Dad? Can we go to the park after your scheme and play pass-the-ball?"

"Norm, if I told you once, I told you a thousand times! I am not your father! Now stop asking me that and go back to your closet under the staircase!"

"But we're on the highest floor, sir. There is no staircase!"

"It's an expression!" Doofenshmirtz replied angrily.

Norm slumped over and trudged back to his room.

"That disgraceful little, ugh! Maybe I should get a dog, and name him 'Onlyson', so that he stops asking me that quest—" Doofenshmirtz stopped midsentence as realization hit about what he was saying. He sighed. "See, Perry the Platypus, this is what happens when you are late for our appointments. I end up bringing back old, painful memories. Here, in this very room, I have my latest evil Inator waiting all ready to be unleashed upon an unsuspecting Tri-State Area, and I can't even use it yet. Why? Because my flaky nemesis doesn't even bother to show up. Now I have no choice but to sit here and ramble to myself. That's right. I'll just sit here and ramble and be bored. Curse you, Perry the Platypus."

* * *

><p>"I'll be honest with you; never thought I'd see the day I woke up in a chicken costume and couldn't remember how I got there," the peg-legged man said after Candace and Stacy helped him out. "Seems the winds be blowin' to say a storm's a'brewin'."<p>

Candace remembered this man was the old sailor she and Stacy met on Harbor Day earlier this summer. He was captain of the petite vessel appropriately christened "Pea-quad;" and she somehow recalled he was referred to as Captain Squint despite having never heard his actual name.

"So you really can't remember why you were walking around Danville all morning in a Ducky Momo costume?" Stacy asked.

"Aye, me memory be awash like the tide on a sandy beach," he said. "But I get the feeling I hugged a lot of weird things in the last couple hours."

The looks each of the two girls wore betrayed that neither of them knew how to respond to that sentence.

"What? Are ye tired of this conversation?"

Candace shook her head. "I don't have time for this. I've got a couple of brothers who need to be busted," she said, about facing to march back to the lake.

Stacy hesitated. "But what about One-eyed Willie here? We can't just leave him. Shouldn't we, I dunno, at least bring him home or something?"

"Me only home be the open sea," said the Captain.

Candace sighed. "Alright. Well, we're going back to the lake, so, I guess you can come if you want."

"Argh! The lake be where I keep me inland dingy," the Captain replied as they began to walk. "It also be the home of the giant catfish that chewed on me arm," he said, lifting his sleeve as evidence.

"Um, that's your birthmark again," Stacy pointed out. "Besides, I thought catfish don't have teeth?"

The Captain paused. "And now _I'm_ tired of this conversation, too."

"Just hurry up!" Candace yelled from ahead. "My brothers aren't gonna bust themselves!"

"Yeah, well, hold your seahorses!" The Captain yelled back. "It ain't the fastest shark that catches the fish; it be the one with the most teeth!"

"What does that even mean?"

"Arrr," thought the Captain, "beats me. It's just something me ole parrot used to say. Turned crazy 'e did, after 'e got the bends and swallowed me mum's lucky bezoar. 'E also used to say, 'A fisherman can catch any fish, ye just need to use the right bait."

"Candace, are you okay?" Stacy asked; for at that moment, Candace froze.

"You just need to use the right bait…" she softly pondered. "That's it! I've been going about this the wrong way all along! I can bust my brothers; I just need to use the right bait!" Suddenly she was bouncing with energy. "C'mon guys, we gotta hurry!" was all she said before vanishing in a cloud of dust.

"That one's got some wind in her sails," the Captain commented.

"Yeah, more like a hurricane," Stacy responded.

* * *

><p>All was silent at the water's edge. Phineas thought he could hear the ticking intro to the classic "Watching and Waiting" song the gang had performed earlier that summer, it was so quiet. All the kids looked droopy-eyed and bored.<p>

Buford yawned noisily. "How come nothin's happening, Dinnerbell?"

"I don't know," Phineas said. "Our fishing robot scanned for where the fish are, baited all our hooks, and cast out our lines for us. I guess the fish just aren't hungry right now."

"This is the lamest thing we've ever done," Buford reported.

"I'm kind of enjoying it," Isabella said, indicating the relaxing scenery they were surrounded by. "But I do wish something would happen."

"Having some trouble, kids?" An unfamiliar voice asked from behind the group.

Phineas and the others turned to see a kind looking old man with a thin frame, shaggy gray mustache, and angler's hat pulled low over his eyes. "Well," Phineas explained, "We've been waiting for like eleven minutes at least, and nothing's happened yet."

The old fisherman chuckled to himself. "What did you expect, trying to catch a fish with that there machine? It's one of those things you just have to learn to do with experience."

"What do you mean?" Isabella asked.

"Here," said the old fisherman, "let me show you." He reeled in one of the kid's lines and inspected the hook. "If something's not working, then you need to try a different bait. Let me take this worm off and attach one of my favorite lures. Okay, now, watch as I cast in the water, see how I flick my wrist once the lure sinks? That makes it more attractive to a hungry fish. Keep doing that every few seconds as you reel it in, and with a little patience—hey! I think you got something, miss!" He handed Isabella back her pole, and she instantly felt something tugging from the other end.

"Whoa! I got a fish!" She exclaimed with glee.

"Now," the man explained, "pull it in gently, not too hard now! Be gentle, but firm. There you go. Keep pulling it in, I'll pick it up with my net." A minute later, the kids were staring at an arm-length fish sloshing around in a water bucket beside them.

"How'd you do that, Mister?" Phineas asked, curiosity aglow in his eyes.

"Oh, just years of experience. Now come along, and I'll help the rest of you catch one too."

Leaving the robot abandoned, the kids enthusiastically listened as the old man taught them what to do.

* * *

><p>With a great final smash, Agent P had reduced the Hypnotifier to rubble and a chair that had one broken leg. Only one final beam of light had escaped the device before its total demise, but the secret agent wasn't too worried since the ray had radiated harmlessly enough into outer space.<p>

"Scourge you, Perry the Platypus!" The Monocled Madman shouted to the skies while Agent P jetpacked back to the agency. "I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling agents and that duck-billed monotreme!"

Agent P couldn't help but smile to himself, having saved the day. It had been an enjoyable enough diversion from the cycle he and Doofenshmirtz always seemed to go through; but he had to admit, this experience with a different nemesis was more than a little similar to the old routine….

* * *

><p>Candace led the way into the forest clearing; the lake was within sight, and she could see her brothers from here. "Aha!" She exclaimed. "I told you they'd be here! I told you!" She looked back over her shoulder. Stacy and Captain Insanity weren't there, apparently she'd left them in the dust.<p>

"Oh, no matter, I'll bust them by myself," she said, making a bee-line for her brothers.

"Oh man, you guys will be so busted when Mom finds out you've been—uh, fishing?" Candace asked, losing all the edge in her voice by the last word. "That's really all you've been doing?"

"Hi, Candace!" Phineas enthusiastically waved. "Yeah, look! Isabella caught the first one, and we've already caught two more!"

The obnoxious sister inspected the scene carefully, suddenly noticing the discarded robot. "What about this thing? Didn't you build this?"

"Well, yeah, but it didn't work very well. Turns out, fishing is something that takes experience. Our robot just didn't cut it."

Candace thought for a moment. "So what you're saying is, in an ironic turn of events, the machines you always use in your silly projects ended up actually holding you back from having fun the good old fashioned way?"

"I guess you could say that," Phineas said in return.

"Pft! Boring! Even if you're not using it, I can still show it to Mom as evidence!" Candace said, rubbing her hands together. "Now, I just need the right bait. Buford, can I have that blueberry pie, please?"

Buford's eyes went wide like a deer in the headlights. "What—I mean, what are you talking about? I don't have no pie!"

Candace gave him the stare.

With a heavy sigh, the bully gave in. "Alright," he said, extracting a freshly baked, still steaming pie from some inexplicable location behind his back. "But you owe me, bigtime."

Candace took it and set it on a rock next to the machine. Next, she whipped out her cell phone as her fingers flew entering the number they had achieved perfect muscle-memory for. "Oh, hi Mom! I just wanted to show you a little something the boys have built."

"Oh great," Linda said from the other end. "What are you planning on dragging me to this time?"

"Who said anything about dragging?" Candace asked with a disarmingly girly charm. "I know how much you love pie, so I thought I'd let you know I have one of the blueberry variety sitting next to me."

"Ooh! I do love pie," Linda informed her. "Alright, honey, you have my attention. Where are you?"

"At the lake with the boys."

"Tell you what," Linda said, "you hold tight with that pie, and I'll be over in a jiffy. See, when you're doing something nice for a change, it makes me feel like I actually want to hurry."

"I know, Mom, see you soon!" Candace said before flipping her phone shut and chuckling crazily. "Ehehehehe! The bait worked perfectly."

* * *

><p>"I can't believe I'll never know if my Inator works perfectly!" Doofenshmirtz complained as he pushed his device back into his lab. "I waited all day, and Perry the Platypus never once showed up! Now I'll never get a chance to use it!"<p>

"Does this mean we can spend time together?" Norm asked.

At that moment, the lone laser beam from the Hypnotifier bounced off a satellite orbiting overhead and rebounded back to earth. The blast hit Norm just as Doofenshmirtz turned his back on the poor robot.

"No way, Norm! I'd much rather you just found something to do on your own. You know what, why don't you take my old fishing pole down to the lake and teach yourself how to fish?"

Norm's mechanical eyes returned to focus. "Okay, I'll do whatever you say." He immediately stretched out one arm with an extendable cable and grabbed the pole as it leaned against the corner before transforming his feet into a dual-rocket system and blasting off through the ceiling.

"Try to have fun!" The evil scientist called as he returned to putting away his device.

* * *

><p>Hardly any time had passed at all for Candace when the unthinkable happened. A large humanoid robot descended out of the sky to land right in front of the group.<p>

"My name's Norm," exclaimed the robot congenially before walking over to inspect the fishing robot Phineas and Ferb had built. "You can teach me how to fish and I'll pretend you are my father!" Norm told his machine comrade. With that, he grabbed the other robot and lifted it off the ground before blasting into the sky once more.

Candace barely had time to process what had happened when the honk of a horn announced her mother's arrival.

"Hi Mom!" Phineas greeted with hardly any disappointment in his voice regarding the recent turn of events.

"Hi boys. Now where's this pie you spoke of, Candace?"

"Right here," Candace said in a dejected voice. "But it looks like the big one got away."

Linda ignored her. "Well, I see the pie, but did anyone remember to bring plates?"

Everyone looked at Buford.

"Really?" he asked.

"Ahoy!" Captain Squint called from his dingy just a ways offshore. Stacy was standing by his side, looking like she still wasn't sure how she got there. "There be plenty o' plates right here on my ship!"

"This was the best fishing day ever!" Phineas decided.

"But we still didn't do a song!" Buford mentioned. "We can't have a day without a song! _Ohhhhh—!_"

End scene

* * *

><p><strong>Hey everyone, thanks for reading! Isn't it great that we're finally getting some new episodes of P&amp;F? I'm super excited! In light of said episodes, I think I'll kick back and take a break from <em>Kicks! <em>for a little while. Don't worry, I'll be back with more soon. In fact, the next episode will be a two-parter, and things are gonna get pretty crazy... In the meantime, I'm collaborating on an insanely big project at the moment, plus I'm planning a Fourth of July story that will probably be a little late, but I guarantee it's gonna be great! Oh, and thanks for the awesome reviews! I'll respond to all of them in a future chap and would definitely appreciate more - if it's not too much to ask! Summer Belongs To You!**


	7. Episode 6

the zapdos Presents

A _Kick It Up A Notch!_ Two-Part Special: Part One

Episode 6: Opposite Day

_Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!_

"Bad evening, ma'am!" the genial robot Norm announced with a blast of a French horn, causing a pajama-sporting Doofenshmirtz to jump a foot out of bed and send his sheets sprawling across the floor.

"Norm!" shouted the exasperated Doofenshmirtz, "what part of 'an evil scientist needs his beauty sleep' do you not understand? And what do you mean, 'bad evening?' It's morning-time, you clunky canister."

"Today is Opposite Day," exclaimed the sentient machine. "So I said, 'bad evening, ma'am,' which is the opposite of, 'good morning, sir.' Every time you say or do something, it is supposed to be the opposite of what you mean."

"Oh, I get it," said Doofenshmirtz, comprehending. "Sort of like Oktoberfest, but it's not in October."

"Exactly." Norm visibly flashed a red cue light located on his suit lapel, although his creator didn't see it.

"Wow." Doofenshmirtz stood from his bed and put a hand to his chin. "You know, this gives me an idea! Imagine all the evil things I could do, now that it's Opposite Day!"

A childlike grin spread across the evil scientist's face as an upbeat tune began to play in the background. In an instant he was outside in his regular lab coat, strutting down the sidewalk and swinging his arms proudly. There was an undeniable swagger in his smile. A horde of beautiful back-up singers danced in line behind him, humming:

"_Op-pah-pah-pah,  
>Opposite Day!<br>Op-pah-pah-pah,  
>Opposite Day!"<em>

"_We all know that the opposite of left is right,"_ Doofenshmirtz sang,_  
>"That hot is to cold as dark is to light.<br>I guess that you could say these things are black and white  
>When it's Opposite Day—I mean Night."<em>

_("Op-pah-pah-pah,  
>Opposite Day!<br>Op-pah-pah-pah,  
>Opposite Day!")<em>

"_Now listen to me closely, 'cause I'm gonna rehearse  
>How I'm gonna spread the antonym of good 'in verse:'<br>I'll tell a lady on the street I like her purse  
>When I actually mean the reverse!"<em>

The woman he met thusly on the street gave him an offended look. The evil scientist obliviously turned a corner and kept right on singing.

"_I'll park near the sign that says, 'No Parking!'"_

He ripped a ticket off the windshield of a car and tore it to shreds.

"_Go when the light turns red, now wouldn't that be shocking!  
>It's the truth that you can get away with much malarkey<br>When it's Opposite Day,  
>Oh, what I wouldn't pay!<br>To prank on Opposite Day—I mean night! _Kickline, ladies!" He put his arms around the back-up singers on either side of him and they all kicked in unison.

"_That's right!  
>The day on which I'll get away<br>With every evil thing I say,  
>Is thanks to Op! -Posite Day—I mean Niiiiight!"<em>

As he held the final note, the back-up dancers struck a pyramid-shaped pose surrounding him and waved their glittering Broadway-inspired hats overhead.

"Thanks for the help, ladies," Doofenshmirtz said; meanwhile the dancers were quickly dispersing. "Say, are any of you available on Tuesday night?" Doofenshmirtz hurried to ask.

"I am," one said.

"Really?"

"No: It's Opposite Day."

* * *

><p>"Yep, it's Opposite Day," the morning talk-show host announced on the radio.<p>

"So, if I told you your breath smells like a porcupine, would that be considered a compliment?" the female co-host asked.

"Yes—I mean, no?" the man answered uncertainly.

"Oh, okay. Just so we're clear."

The radio was heard through the open window of the delivery truck parked out back of the Flynn-Fletcher residence. Phineas was signing the papers for the driver while Ferb directed a fork-lift carrying some wooden crates.

"My breath doesn't really smell that bad, though, does it?" the male voice asked.

"Yes," answered the female voice. "Yes it does.

"And by that, you mean, 'no,' right? Since it's Opposite Day?"

"_Yes."_

"And by that, you mean—ow! Okay, now my brain hurts!"

The delivery driver, who was not paying any attention to the radio, looked slightly perplexed. "Say," he voiced, "aren't you kids a little young to be ordering all this stuff?"

Phineas was careful to answer. "No, no we aren't." He handed up the clipboard.

"Oh, you kids," smiled the driver. "Happy Opposite Day, then."

"Happy Opposite Day!" Phineas said as the man clambered back into the truck.

"Say, what are you planning on doing with all that, anyways?" The driver pointed a thumb over his shoulder to indicate.

"We haven't decided yet," Phineas explained. "For now, we're just covering our bases." Apparently satisfied, the man nodded, and the truck pulled away.

At that moment, there was the sound of a door slamming, and Candace appeared, bending down to leer at her brothers with hands on her hips.

"Alright you two, Jeremy just called to ask me out tonight, so I don't want to deal with any of your shenanigans today, got it?"

"Happy Opposite Day, Candace!" Phineas cheerfully declared.

The teen seemed not to hear. "And one more thing—wait, what?"

"Today's Opposite Day," Phineas returned politely, his usual smile spread wide across his face. "The radio said so, so it must be true."

"Pfft," Candace rolled her eyes and blew off the idea with a flick of her wrist. "Only little kids still play games like 'Opposite Day'. You do know that's not a real thing, right?"

Without warning, a gasp issued from somewhere offscreen. The three siblings turned toward a banging noise on their wooden fence and saw a hooded figure in a dark robe pulling itself over to look at them. The shadowy personage spoke with an eerie voice. "Do not underestimate the power of Opposite Day," he said. "It might just be the last thing you ever _do-ooo!_" Thunder crashed, even though there were no clouds in the sky. Phineas, Ferb, and Candace looked around curiously, then shrugged.

"I'm sorry," Candace said, "who are you?"

"My name is not important—."

The gate to the fence opened, and Isabella entered the backyard. "What'cha doin'?" she asked in her usual, cutesy way. "And who's that on the fence?"

Before anyone could answer, the figure continued. "This is your last warning, do not mess with the universe's forces on Opposite day! Heed my—oof!" Isabella had released the gate, such that it swung back and shook the fence, causing the figure to lose his balance and fall back over the side. Embarrassed, he picked himself back up and looked around sheepishly. "Well, that was, uh—you know, I just remembered I have an appointment. I gotta go stand by the highway holding up my sign that says, 'Repent! The end is near!' So, I'll just, um, leave you kids at it, I guess." With that, he was gone.

Ferb delivered his first line of the day. "Well, that wasn't foreshadow-ey in any way."

"No," winked Phineas, with an added snap of the fingers and pointing gesture, to reinforce the fact that he was joking for Opposite Day. "No, it wasn't."

"Nice one," complimented Ferb. Isabella joined to stand by the others with a smile.

Candace groaned. "Well, why don't you guys do the opposite of what you usually do then," she suggested, "and _not_ be the world's most annoying brothers for one day? Is that too much to ask?"

Phineas jumped to a start. "That's it! Hey Ferb, I know what we're going to do today! I mean—what we're _not_ going to do today? Is that right?" He paused to place a hand on his chin. "Gee, getting the converse of my catchphrase right is sort of tricky."

Candace rolled her eyes again and went back inside the house.

Phineas was still thinking out loud. "Should I say I _don't_ know what we're gonna do today? Or maybe I should—hey, wait! Where's Perry?"

The secret agent's theme played in the background as Agent P was spotted riding atop a pizza delivery car that was weaving through traffic. After ducking behind a sign on the car's roof expressing its identity as a pizza deliverer, the car slowed to a stop and a pimply-faced teenager in spectacles exited the car, bringing along a pizza box as he approached a door. He rang the doorbell; Carl answered and accepted the pizza box. "Thanks, Grant. We still on for _Caverns and Creatures_ this Tuesday?"

"Does the derivative of a constant always equal zero?" replied the delivery boy in a geeky nasally voice.

"Excellent." Satisfied, Carl handed him the tip and carried the pizza box inside. Agent P sprung out of the box, landed in his lair, and Monogram appeared on the screen.

"Thank goodness you made it, Agent P," Monogram said with his usual stern look. "As you may know, today is Opposite Day, and we fear Doofenshmirtz is once again up to no good."

"Oh, rats! They forgot the anchovies again!" interjected Carl.

"Carl, for goodness' sake!" chided the Major. "Can you please keep it down? I'm trying to debrief an agent, here! Anyway, on your way, Agent P!"

With a final salute, Perry was gone in a flash.

Monogram watched him go and looked somewhere off-screen. "Gross, Carl, you're actually _eating_ that?"

* * *

><p>"Opposite Day, give me a break," Candace sassed, watching her brothers from her window above. They were just dumping a bin of metal parts out on the grassy lawn. "If it were really Opposite Day, Mom would actually see the boys were up to something for once."<p>

Just then, Linda's voice rang through the house as she called out to her sons in the back yard. "Phineas, Ferb, are you two up to something? I see you dumping out an old box of your father's screws and rivets on in the back yard."

"Oh, it's not Dad's, and it's not old: we ordered it earlier this morning," Phineas called back. "We're just building an as-yet unspecified device for Opposite Day."

"Okay, just make sure you play safely, and clean up after you're finished."

Candace's hands flew to her mouth so she could begin to chew frantically on her fingernails. "Oh my gosh, it really is Opposite Day! Let's see, has anyone said anything to me today that was supposed to have a totally different, 'Opposite Day' kind of meaning?" She flashed back to that morning to when she had talked on the phone with Jeremy. _Wiggle wiggle wiggle… Wiggle wiggle wiggle…_

"Hey, Candace," Jeremy had said, "you wanna do something tonight?"

Candace giggled girlishly. "Hee-hee, okay!"

"Cool," responded the blonde-haired teen. "See you this evening, then!"

Candace snapped back to the present, now feeling very nervous. "So, what if Jeremy, by asking me on a date, really meant the _opposite_ of date?" she asked herself, aloud. "What if he's breaking up with me?" For a moment, her eyes became exceptionally large. Then she screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Candace's cell phone rang.

"Stacy, is that you?" a delirious Candace answered, on the verge of tears.

"I'll be right over," her BFF succinctly stated, "with some lactose-free ice cream to cheer you up."

* * *

><p><em>Doofenshmirtz <em>Good_ Incorporated!_

A cannon fired. A platypus wearing a helmet with protective eyewear blasted through the air and crashed through the window into Doofenshmirtz's lair. "Ah, Perry the Platypus," greeted the lab coat sporting Drusselsteinian, "I have to _hand_ it to you, your ability to make an entrance never ceases."

At the click of a button extracted from his labcoat pocket, a giant mechanical hand appeared and replaced the broken window with a new one. Agent P popped off his helmet, allowing his fedora underneath to fall into place, and looked around expectantly.

"What?" asked Doofenshmirtz. "Are you expecting a trap? Not this time, Perry the Platypus; I mean, didn't you hear the jingle? I'm actually being good for once; I'm, 'breaking good,' as the internet would say!" At that, he put his hand behind the surprised secret agent's shoulders and walked him inside. "Now before you get all jumpy, it's not that I'm defecting to the good side, or anything. You can tell Monogram he can keep his little gift basket. This is only temporary. You see, since today is Opposite Day, I figured I might as well go with the flow and do the opposite of what I normally would. Because if the universe wants to be opposite today, it's gonna be opposite today; I don't wanna mess with the mojo of the universe. Bad things will happen."

The platypus didn't look convinced.

"What? It's true. And since I knew you were coming over, I even prepared a Good Scheme for the day. So I figured it would be counterproductive to set a trap for you, and all that." Doofenshmirtz approached a white sheet that was covering his latest device. "Now, here's my invention for good. Behold!" He whipped off the sheet, revealing a mechanical device unlike any Perry had ever seen. "The Anti-Rising-Sea-Level-Inator! And keep beholding, keep beholding, are you still beholding, Perry the Platypus? You better be, just think of all the poor children who can't behold this. I mean, there must be millions! Think of them, they don't even know what it looks like! They can't be here to see it, like you are seeing it now. So keep beholding, Perry the Platypus, appreciate the good things you have; keep beholding, oh, you're good? Okay."

Doofenshmirtz turned to admire his machine as he monologued. "These days, you hear a lot of people talking about climate change and greenhouse gas and global warming and rising ocean levels and the diminishing ozone layer, lots of bad stuff. My Anti-Rising-Sea-Level-Inator reverses all of them! It's fueled by excess carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, and when it's running it strips the oxygen atoms out of water molecules in the ocean by converting them to ozone. I know this one's a little more complicated and science-y than usual, but the practical upside to all this is lowering the 'rising sea levels' everybody's so worried about and replenishing the ozone layer—all while reducing CO2 levels at the same time. Not too shabby, eh?

"So, Perry the Platypus," Doofenshmirtz told his nemesis, "you now have two choices. You can either thwart me and my scheme like you always do, or you can let it succeed. But remember, this isn't an evil scheme, it's a good scheme! So if you thwart _me_, someone who is attempting to do something _good_, _you_ would actually be the one doing something _evil!_" As he said that, Agent P's eyes widened. "That's right, let it sink in! So, with your reputation on the line, I am now going to proceed with turning on my machine. The 'On' button is right here, I'm stretching forth my finger to push it..." The two locked gazes. Doofenshmirtz's spindly forefinger hovered over the button.

"In five. Four." The evil scientist counted down on his wristwatch. "Three, two, one." Agent P hesitated. "Zero!"

Doofenshmirtz's finger came down on the red button, and the machine revved to life. A beam of light shot out into the ocean, but nothing ominous seemed to happen, it just whirred away happily like a purring kitten. Meanwhile, the sun shone brightly, the skies were blue, and people were happily flying kites at the park nearby.

* * *

><p>"Oh, good, everybody's here," Phineas said, now that Isabella, Buford and Baljeet stood before him. "Gang, as you all probably know, today is Opposite Day, so Ferb and I have created a—"<p>

"Wait, wait, wait," Buford interrupted, waving both hands through the air in front of him. "Today's Opposite Day? Am I gonna have to wear a towel 'round my head again?"

"Um, I'm not sure how to answer that," Phineas cocked his head in reply.

The nerd, however, crossed his arms smugly and looked sideways at Buford. "Yes, that means today you must be the responsible and studious one, while I get to bully _you_."

The bully's eyes widened to the size of grapefruits. "Aw, man."

"Not necessarily," Phineas remonstrated. "Today's project takes advantage of the effects of Opposite Day—it reverses every law of physics, from gravity to classical motion to thermodynamics to radioactive decay."

"How is that even possible?" Isabella asked.

Phineas pointed at a blackboard Ferb had been using, which was covered in complex mathematical equations, including Einstein's famous E=mc². "The long answer involves converting antimatter into negative energy and some delightfully difficult fifth-degree polynomial integrals. I recommend the short answer: trying it and seeing for yourself!"

"Alright!" The kids cheered and stepped inside a sinusoidal dome now occupying most of the backyard. The Quirky-Worky Song must have been playing on loudspeakers or something, because it could be heard in the background as the kids began to play.

_Soo-dee up! Boo-lee up! Boo-lee bee buh-dee dah! Soo-dee up! Boo-lee up! Boo-lee bee buh-dee dah!  
>Soo-dee up! Boo-lee up! Boo-lee bee buh-dee dah! Buh-duh dee-dee dah! Bah-duh! Dah! Dah! Dah!<em>

A humming noise came from somewhere, and floor gave way—but nobody fell, instead they all began to float. Everyone voiced their "Whees!" and "Who-hoos!" as they effortlessly zoomed through the air like wingless birds. Now the room filled with little white puffballs that fell up from the ground to the ceiling. Isabella was the first to inspect this new phenomenon.

"It's snow!" she realized, sticking her tongue out to catch a flake.

"Correct," Phineas stated, while Ferb somersaulted nearby. "Because winter is the opposite of summer!"

_Boom digga boom digga. Boom-a-booma digga!  
>Boom digga boom digga. Boom-a-booma digga!<em>

"Did anybody bring some Alka-Seltzer?" Buford asked aloud, his face a little green.

Baljeet, on the other hand, looked happy as can be. "Because it is Opposite Day, I do not feel sick, like I normally would! Where's that Van Stomm Iron Constitution now, Buford?"

At this point, they had risen to the ceiling, and began to walk upside-down on it. Phineas called the others over. "All right, you guys, I've got something to show you, come look at this! No, you have to walk backwards! Trying to walk forwards in this room makes you go backwards; you have to walk backwards to go forwards!" After some practice with this new phenomenon and guiding them all to a table, Phineas began to explain. "Here's a fun game we should try," he said, pointing out a stack of cards. "It's called Sedarahc. It's like Charades, but you have to guess the opposite of what is being acted out! Ferb will go last."

Ferb took the top card. After thinking for a second, he folded his arms and began tap dancing spiritedly.

"Tuna!" Buford guessed.

"Egg salad?" tried Isabella.

"White blood cells?" Baljeet inquired.

"Llamas!" exclaimed Phineas. Ferb pointed at his step-brother and clicked his tongue. "That one was too hard. My turn!" The red-headed inventor reached for the stack of cards. No sooner had he read his card than he dropped onto his side and began doing the worm.

"Woodland pixies!"

"Yoga?"

"Asparagus!"

"Sandals!"

"Genghis Khan?"

"A Ukulele!"

"Sunscreen?"

"That little plastic tip-thing on the end of a shoelace? What was that thing called again?"

"A double-decker bus!"

"Waffles!"

Phineas stood up. "Isabella didn't get it!"

"Really?" Buford objected, throwing his hands in the air. "That looked like it was not the perfect Genghis Khan, or I'm not a raspberry popsickle!"

"Buford," Baljeet pointed out, "you _are_ not a raspberry popsickle."

"Just wait 'til it's my turn to go!"

* * *

><p>Candace explained to Stacy how Jeremy had asked her out, and she'd agreed to a date with him that afternoon, without knowing it was Opposite Day. "Oh, Stacy, what do I do?"<p>

Stacy shook her friend by the shoulders. "It's obvious, isn't it? Call him right now, and tell him you never want to see him again!"

"Oh yeah, huh? I don't see any possible way that could backfire." Candace had already whipped out her cell phone and dialed the number when she stopped. "But, what if he says he doesn't ever want to see me again, either?"

"Then you'll know he's just keeping in character for Opposite Day," Stacy suggested.

"Good point." Candace nodded and put the phone to her ear. "Good-bye, Jeremy. I just wanted to say that I _can totally_ wait for our date later today, and that I wish you a sad Opposite Day!" she said, jovially. Stacy gave the thumbs up. "And also, I hope I never see you again! Hello!" She flipped her phone shut with a grin. "I think it worked!"

At the Johnson residence, Jeremy put down his phone and gave Coltraine a confused look. "I think Candace just broke up with me, but then she said something about it being Opposite Day and ended with 'hello,' so I'm not really sure."

"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards when you see her, or something, to force the issue."

"Yeah, I think I'm _not _gonna do that," Jeremy stated, and they both laughed.

Coltraine paused a beat before responding. "You did mean the opposite of that, though, right? 'Cause I couldn't quite tell."

"Yes, yes I did…."

* * *

><p>The roof was open, allowing the sun to shine in, and Agent P and Doctor D lay resting in a pair of beach chairs and both wearing sunglasses, at peace with each other. Doofenshmirtz wore a relaxed expression to go along with his swimming trunks as he tucked his arms behind his head. "Ah, Perry the Platypus, this is so much better than how my day usually goes, what with you, you know, beating me up, and all. Who knew doing something good for a change could be so relaxing? Although I have to say, I'm getting this irrepressible urge to do something evil."<p>

Doofenshmirtz sat up and removed his shades. "Yeah! You know what? I can't take this anymore; I feel compelled to do something absolutely heinous right now, like the urges people get when they go cold turkey. I was planning on saving this scheme for another day, but you know what? I think I'll just give it a whirl right now, Perry the Platypus. Whaddaya say?" Agent P peered suspiciously over his sunglasses at the evil scientist before sitting up and stretching.

"It's right over here, under all this clutter, give me a sec." Doofenshmirtz trotted over to a corner and carried back some junky contraption that that looked like a two-way radio hooked onto a miniaturized washing machine. "Sorry I don't have any extravagant presentation ready for it this time; you understand, right?" he said as he hastily screwed the last pieces together. "So behold, the Status-Quo-Inator! Um, tada!" He thrust his arms out at the invention in a presentative fashion.

"Anyways, the status quo is defined as the present state of affairs, a.k.a. you always defeating me. So if I can change the status quo, evil will start winning for a change! And once I defeat you, there will be no one left to stop me from taking over the Tri-State Area! Aha ha haha ha!"

As Doofenshmirtz was reaching out to activate the device, Agent P charged forward. He leapt in the air and delivered a powerful kick, knocking his foe off his feet.

"That's it, Perry the Platypus," Doofenshmirtz exclaimed, producing a remote from his swimsuit pocket. "You force my _hand!_" He pressed the single, large red button, and the mechanical hand from earlier reached out and snatched Agent P where he stood. The secret agent's head poked out behind the thumb as the fingers curled around his body, squeezing him tightly like a boa constrictor.

"See, get it? 'Cause, it's a hand? Yeah…" Doofenshmirtz rubbed the back of his neck, almost apologetically. The animal spy squirmed in vain to free himself.

* * *

><p>From the top of the day's invention, Phineas looked out upside-down through a strategically placed window and saw Jeremy walking up to the Flynn-Fletcher's house dressed in slacks and a white shirt and tie—however, everything he was wearing was on backwards, down to his very shoes being on the mismatched foot. "Now <em>that's<em> embracing the spirit of Opposite Day," Phineas said to himself as he waved through the window. Jeremy waved back before knocking on the front door.

* * *

><p>"Good evening, Ms. Flynn," Jeremy offered as soon as his girlfriend answered the door. "I believe we are set not to go out on this non-date on this Opposite Day we are having?"<p>

Candace swooned in place temporarily, then held up a finger. "Hehe, uno momento," she responded and closed the door to glance at Stacy. "It _did_ work!" she silently mouthed, and the two shared a giggle before she opened the door again to join Jeremy.

"And just what did you have planned for this 'non-date' of ours?" she inquired as they headed off down the sidewalk.

"A lane at the bowling alley reserved for two, and then a spot of dinner after—Candace?"

Before he could even finish his sentence, Candace had stopped when she saw what could be described as a large space capsule nestled in her backyard. She didn't need to see Phineas and Ferb and their friends freely floating inside through the window to know what she had to do next. "MOM!"

* * *

><p>"Have you <em>hand<em> enough, Perry the Platypus? When it comes to hand puns, I was dealt a good _hand._ You could say I have a _hand_bag full of them. If I was on stage, people'd be putting their _hands_ together for me. I suppose I'm a _hand_yman for these things. Ooh, that's a good one!" On Doofenshmirtz drawled as the sky turned to orange in the setting sun. Perry had given up on escaping his trap and was only half-listening at this point. "Two hands are better than one! Wait, no, that's not right—oh, great, now my streak is broken! Five hundred thirty-seven perfectly good hand puns in a row, and that's what does me in? Oh, whatever, my _hands_ are tied. There we go! We're back on track! Got a little off on the wrong foot there, but—oh! I did it again! Eh, I guess it is Opposite Day, so at least that feet one has a sort of logic to it."

* * *

><p>"Mom! Mom! Mom!" Candace shouted through the house. She grabbed her mother by the elbow and started dragging her exuberantly. "You have to come see what Phineas and Ferb have built in the backyard!"<p>

* * *

><p>"Anyway, I better activate my Status-Quo-Inator before you break free of your trap," Doofenshmirtz recalled, walking over to his device and just noticing it was getting late. Agent P struggled to free himself, but was held too tightly. "If I ramble any longer, who knows what could happen…"<p>

Not far away, the Nagging Wife criticized her slouching Napoleon-sized husband in the street below. "I can't believe you sold a successful real estate business to become a master pianist, and you didn't even buy a piano to practice with!" The husband patiently endured the invective in silence. "What did you think was going to happen—a grand piano was just gonna fall out of—!" The wife paused and looked overhead; seeing nothing, she smirked. "—The sky?!" After pausing a beat, nothing happening, she concluded, "I thought so."

"Wait for it…." Her husband held up a finger in reply.

In the sky above, an airplane flew high over Danville.

"I'm so happy I finally received my inheritance from my rich great-uncle," an eccentric new billionaire said inside his plane. "I'm going to celebrate by giving out free grand pianos by dropping them out of my new plane!" He flipped a hatch, causing the auto-ramp to unfold itself, and a plethora of pianos slid out the rear of the plane.

"Oh, for goodness' sake," the wife nagged on. "No pianos are falling out of the sky!" At that moment, a shrill whistling sound could be heard overhead, and a shadow seemed to form over her. The wife slouched in defeat and propped open an umbrella over her head. As the shadow slowly grew and the whistling became louder, she uttered, "This isn't over."

Back atop Doofenshmirtz's building, the evil scientist moved to activate his device. "And I was like, sure, you can prop it up with the spare axel, but what are you gonna do about the other three chickens? Pascal's Law can only get you so far. Anyways, that's the last tangent I'm getting sidetracked on, Perry the Platypus. No more rants, digressions, or tirades. I'm just going to activate my Inator, like I've been saying I would for the past twenty minutes!"

Just then, a piano fell out of the sky and crushed the arm of Agent P's trap, allowing him to spring free.

Doofenshmirtz seemed not to notice the loud crash. "Soon, the world will be quaking in terror as my Status-Quo-Inator literally flips the status quo on its—OOF!" A platypunch to the face knocked Doofenshmirtz into his machine, causing it to whir into action.

"Oops, you made me push the 'Fire' button by accident," Doofenshmirtz realized, lifting his hand from the large circular knob as he pushed himself up. The two watched, stupefied, as the Inator fired a wide, lime-green beam across the Tri-State Area.

"Perry the Platypus," the evil scientist whispered, "I think I just… won."

* * *

><p>Candace pulled Linda the last few feet out the door and gestured to what she hoped was Phineas' and Ferb's creation immediately behind her, although she was more focused on her mother seeing it than double-checking that it was, in fact, still there.<p>

"The boys have totally ruined the back yard, leaving this ugly mess in its place!"

Linda beheld the Room of Opposites with wonder.

"All summer, I've been trying to break the status-quo of you never seeing what the boys have built," Candace continued, "and here we are again, and it's probably somehow mysteriously vanished…"

"I—see it!"

"Yep, there it is—I see it. Wait, what?"

"I see it!"

Candace looked at her mother's face, then over her shoulder at the oddly shaped building, then back at Linda, then back over her shoulder, then back again. A grin spread across the teenager's face and she began to wring her hands. "Ehehehehehehe!"

Phineas, Ferb, and their friends chose that moment to exit the structure. "Ih, moM! Ih, ecadnaC!" Phineas waved. "Si ti emit rof skcans, tey?"

The two women looked at the boy, confused.

"Oh, sorry," Phineas said. "Backwards-speak is a side-effect of being in our Opposite Day Room for long periods of time. I think it's wearing off, now."

"I evol uoy, saenihP!" Isabella declared.

Phineas turned his head. "What did you say, Isabella?"

"Nothing!" She looked away pointedly.

Before Phineas could question her further, Linda erupted.

"You boys were building this—this—this _thing_ without my permission?!" Her face was livid. Candace, on the other hand, was shaking with excitement. Linda turned to face her daughter, her face softening. "Does this mean that every time you've been telling me they have built something, it was all true?"

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Candace couldn't believe her eyes.

"To be fair," Phineas mentioned, "you did say we could build it this morning."

"I thought you were building a stool, or maybe a tire swing! I would have never given you permission to build something like _this!_" She thrust her arms in the direction of the backyard.

Phineas' smile contorted itself into a rare frown, and he flinched visibly when his mother delivered her final judgment.

"YOU TWO ARE SO BUSTED!"

At precisely that moment, a lime-green beam of light struck the boys' construct, and everything vanished.

* * *

><p><em>Honk! BEEP! Honk! Toot toot!<em>

The noises of traffic passed the lonely hooded figure as he with macabre solemnity held up a sign reading, 'Repent! The end is near!' on the side of the road. A smart aleck who happened to be passing rolled down his window and shouted, "Yo! Today's Opposite Day, so what you're really saying is that the end is_ far!_"

The hooded figure gasped as he realized it was so. He fell to his knees and shouted dramatically to the darkening skies. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

_To be continued…_

**Uh-oh! Can the status quo be saved? Are the boys really busted? Did Doof actually win? Find out next Friday, when Part Two arrives!**

**A big thanks to you for reading, and also for The WGPM, who is now my songwriting-beta! If you liked this, be sure to go check out her _Waiting To Be Told_, another fanfiction for one-shot original episodes like this. It's really good. And don't forget to review/follow/favorite; it'll protect you from those space harpies, trust me!**


	8. Episode 7

Agent P hammered on the self-destruct button with his fist. This time, however, the Inator didn't explode like usual. The button seemed to be jammed. He felt a shockwave of energy ripple through the air as Doofenshmirtz's device began to glow in an alien green light, fading and brightening in rapid pulses. Finally the machine exploded, but there was something off this time.

"I've got a bad feeling about this," commented Doofenshmirtz, who was standing not far behind on the balcony of his apartment.

The beam of green light the Status-Quo-Inator had been firing did not disappear, but was changing to orange. Whatever it had hit had affected the ray somehow, now erupting in an optic flare bordering on cosmic in scale.

_BOOM!_

Before anybody even knew what happened, all reality had been changed.

the zapdos Presents

A _Kick It Up A Notch!_ Two-Part Special: Part Two

Episode 7: Opposite of Opposite

In the west, the sun rose on a brand new day in the Tri-State Area.

"Our climate is on the brink of massive change," the television program reported. "Worldwide, ocean-levels are shrinking, temperatures dropping, carbon-dioxide and other greenhouse gasses decreasing, the ozone expanding in massive overdrive. If we don't find answers to curb these disturbing trends soon, mother earth is going to be in serious trouble. While scientists are attempting to determine what the long term effects of this climate change will be, there have already been many unexpected incidents reported."

"Gosh, doesn't that sound terrible, Ferb?" Phineas and his step-brother were watching the TV set from their couch. "Somebody should really do something about that."

To his side, Phineas heard his brother nod with an unrealistic, creaking-windshield-wiper sound effect. Then they both settled deeper into the cushions.

Candace poked her head into the sitting room to check on her brothers. "As usual, I find you two lollygagging around, watching TV. It's summer! Don't you want to do anything with all this free time and beautiful weather? You only get this chance once a year!"

"Eh, TV right here," Phineas grunted.

Candace growled in disapproval. "You guys are so-o _boring!_"

* * *

><p>"Now Vanessa, I want you to try and have some fun with your father for once. See a movie. Go out to lunch. Go for a bike ride—I don't care. But I don't want any phone calls from you while it's his turn to have you." Charlene paused to look at her daughter on the doorstep of her ex.<p>

"Okay, Mom, I'll try," returned Vanessa half-heartedly.

"I mean it." Charlene rapped loudly on the door and let herself in. "Before we divorced, your father could be quite the charming man when he wanted to be. Try to see that side of him like I did, and you'll like him much better—Heinz? Are you home?" she called.

"Whatever, it's probably just gonna be the same old same old of him ignoring me while he works."

"Well, with an attitude like that, maybe. Just give it a try." Charlene purposefully walked through the apartment while Vanessa dumped her things on the couch. "Say, where's your father?"

The silhouette of a man with a long, pointy nose and jutting chin watched through an air vent overhead. An action theme picking up in the background, the shadow whipped out a fedora and set it on his head before moving through the chute. He slid down a vertical shaft, ultimately landing in the large red chair of a spacious room filled with gizmos and gadgets. The Major appeared on cue on the screen overhead while Doofenshmirtz dusted off the sleeves of his labcoat.

"Good morning, Doctor D. We've received word that your nemesis, the evil Perry the Platypus, has holed himself up in his fortress of eviltude. If he's up to his old tricks again, and we assume he is, it's up to you to bring a stop to his antics."

Dr. Doofenshmirtz spoke for the first time. "You know, Major, I've been tinkering on a few inventions of my own, lately, and I was thinking—."

"No!" came the immediate reply from his superior. "We've been over this before, Heinz. You remember the Truffle-Inator you built for Mother's fortieth birthday?"

Dr. D sighed. "Yes, Roger."

"It's just too risky. Keep to the tools that you are provided by the Agency, and stop Perry the Platypus! Remember, it is imperative your identity as a secret agent be kept secret, even from your ex-wife and daughter. Good luck, brother."

The secret agent saluted his superior in rank, inferior though Roger was in age, and the screen overhead went dark. Background singers, apparently over speakers in his lair, began singing the spy theme.

_Doofy, Doofy, Doofy!  
>Doofy, Doofy, Doofy!<br>Doofy, Doofy, Doofy! (Bum! Bum!)_

_He's a six-foot two inch pharmacist of action. _(The song's subject gave an irritated, "Do I even need to say it? I'm not a pharmacist!")_  
>And while he's normally evil, for now he's on the good team! <em>("I thought the fedora would be a dead giveaway…")_  
>His head's not screwed on right, <em>("Hey!")_  
>He wears a lab coat to every fight! <em>(Inspecting himself, Doofenshmirtz admitted, "I guess that is true.")_  
>And his nemesis is a duckbilled monotreme— <em>(Perry's outline could be seen as a dark shadow, his focused eyes and pearly white teeth the only discernible aspects of his face as he gave his signature chatter.)_  
>Grdrdrdrdrdrdrdrd!<br>He's Doofy! Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz! _("That's right, I have a degree!")_  
>Doofy! <em>("See, look! It's right here, it says—")_  
>Doc! Tor! Dee!<em>

* * *

><p>There was a <em>bang!<em> upstairs.

"Candace?" Linda called, wiping down a plate in the kitchen while keeping an eye on Phineas and Ferb, who were still watching TV. "Was that you?"

"Sorry! My dresser fell," came the explanation from through the ceiling above. Shortly thereafter, the teenager came down dressed in her usual red tank-top and white skirt. "Mom, I'm gonna go hang out with some friends, okay?"

"Okay, sweetie. Dinner's at five."

"Later!" Candace paused at the door, looking at her brothers. "Are you guys just gonna sit there all day, watching television?"

"Is that against the law?" Phineas didn't even look up from the screen.

"Suit yourselves," said the bossy sister, and she opened the door and left.

Once the coast was clear, Phineas gave Ferb a knowing smirk. "If she is hanging out with boys, she is gonna be _so _busted!" he whispered. The two silently snuck out to follow her.

Phineas paused just before reaching the door.

"Hey, where's Perry?"

* * *

><p>Perry's theme was played by organ in a slow tempo and underscored with a clap of ominous thunder, giving it a menacing tone and providing, for a brief moment, striking clarity through the doom to his grandiose medieval castle, in all its muted-color glory. This was his regular place of residence when not mingling with the humans undercover as a mindless pet.<p>

"There you are, Perry the Platypus." Doofenshmirtz could see his nemesis' red outline through the solid stone wall, thanks to his OWCA-certified infrared binoculars. Lifting the high-tech equipment from his face to better see the tall wooden door heading the lowered drawbridge, he added, "Now I just need to find a way to break in. How to do, how to do…." His hand massaged his chin in thought.

From a perspective just adjacent to the drawbridge, the figure of Dr. D could be seen and heard rushing the gate with a battering ram that, as it turned out, was actually a great big water balloon. It flopped back and forth with every step as he charged and braced for impact—and was spewed gushing backward across the bridge in a huge splash. The doors lumbered over him, hardly affected at all.

"Well, that didn't work," Doofenshmirtz said, picking back up his soggy wet self.

Moments later, he was again rushing the gate, this time with an enormous spring held out as a lance. He charged at full speed, lunging at the doors, and the spring compressed and rebounded two-fold, again sending the Doctor flying.

Picking himself back up for the second time, Doofenshmirtz paused when his cell phone rang from his pocket.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Heinz, this is Charlene. Did you forget that it's your turn with Vanessa this week?"

Looking at his watch, the secret agent grimaced. "I got caught up with work, I'm afraid. Can't be helped."

"You know, if you want to be a good father, you should really try to be more proactive in your daughter's life."

"I _know,_ Charlene. Tell Honeybuns that I'll be home soon, and _we_ can talk later." He hung up, not feeling too sorry about being rude.

"I'll find the weak chink in your castle, Perry the Platypus," he swore, "if it's the last thing I do!"

His next attempt to smash through the solid door flying with his standard OWCA-issued jet pack—rather like the way all secret agents do in cartoons, creating a hole shaped like their silhouette—merely left him squashed like a bug on a windshield.

* * *

><p>"Ferb, binoculars, please." Phineas held out a hand, and was granted the item requested.<p>

"Oh, it looks like Candace is going to Mr. Slushy Dawg's. What is she up to?" Through the peep-hole, he watched as his older sister stepped through the glass doors of the restaurant nonchalantly. "Come, Ferb! We need to get closer!"

A scene wipe later, at one of the booths inside the fast-food joint, a large newspaper was held up just so that it was impossible to see the face of the supposedly interested reader. Ferb poked out four little holes, and four eyeballs watched Candace approach the counter.

A blonde-haired boy Candace's age shouted, "Next!" Candace stepped up. "Hey, Candace," he said, coolly.

"Hehe, uh, hi, Jeremy," the redhead nervously replied.

"Why, that's Jeremy Johnson!" Phineas whispered. "What are you up to, Candace?"

After a moment of awkward silence on the girl's part, Jeremy asked, "So, can I, um, get you anything?"

"Oh, right!" exclaimed Candace. "Let's see, do you have anything that isn't fried, frozen, fizzy, or fileted?"

"We've got vegie-wraps," he suggested.

"I'll have one of those, please."

"Coming right up." After hitting a few strokes into the cash register, Jeremy said, "You know, Candace, I hit my break in 15 minutes; if you want to stick around, we can hang out."

"Yipee! I mean—I-I didn't know it was your break…" Candace blushed, now absentmindedly twirling a finger in her hair.

"Cool. See you in fifteen minutes."

Phineas nudged Ferb. "Duck!" As their sister walked by, hands holding her receipt close to her heart, they failed not to notice the dreamy gaze she was fixated with. Which gaze possibly explained how she managed to fail to notice them hiding under the booth table.

"This is getting very interesting, dear brother of mine," Phineas whispered once they were in the clear again. "Very interesting, indeed."

* * *

><p><em>Doof, Secret Agent, Incorporated!<em>

"I came in like a wrecking ball!" Doofenshmirtz screamed, riding an actual wrecking ball as it swung toward the solid stone bulwark of Perry's castle. It collided and was thoroughly walled by the durable fortress, leaving the Doctor again crushed against the side by his own momentum. He slid down with a painful squeaking noise to a slump back at the entrance. The door opened, and Carl, dressed as a butler, said, "Oh, for Pete's sake! It wasn't even locked! Master Perry has been waiting for you! Didn't you see he left the drawbridge down for you, and everything?"

The man in the lab coat groaned in decrepit reply.

* * *

><p>Phineas and Ferb had crept behind the trash bin to get a closer view of the situation. They weren't expecting it, however, when a female worker came up to them from behind. "Excuse me, are you boys planning on buying anything?" she asked. "Because only paying customers are allowed to remain on these premises." She pointed at a sign that read, 'No Loitering.'<p>

"Um," Phineas stalled, checking his pockets. He looked sideways at Ferb for help.

Ferb glanced at the floor, bent over to pick something up, and handed that something—which turned out to be a penny—to the manager. "Heh, we don't get our allowance until Friday," Phineas explained sheepishly. The woman did not look amused.

"Out!"

A minute later, Phineas and Ferb had their noses pressed against the window as Jeremy took a seat at Candace's table. They watched him say something and both teenagers immediately laughed.

Phineas peeled his face away to look at his brother. "What do you say, Ferb-o? Should we get Mom yet?"

Silence.

"Yeah, I agree. We need more evidence." The step-brothers slunk away, conceding the battle, but not giving up on the war.

* * *

><p>"You'll find Master Perry awaiting you inside his study," Carl the Butler pointed. "May I take your coat, sir?"<p>

Doofenshmirtz held up a hand. "Never touch the lab coat."

Suddenly, Secret Agent Doofenshmirtz landed in an action pose and took up a fighting stance. "Aha! So, we meet again, Perry the Platypus! Or should I say, Perry the _Evil-_pus!" The room was large, and not very well lit. While it had a large empty space in the middle, one of the side walls displayed various torture devices. Opposite that was a wide shelf full of books. The side of the room Dr. Doofenshmirtz was facing had broad golden steps leading up to a platform, upon which his waiting nemesis stood alongside whatever his latest diabolical creation was. "This time, you're going down! Down, down, down!"

Perry walked out of the shadows into full view of the limited light availed of the high stone windows. Dr. Doofenshmirtz was used to his appearance by now. He wore a bionic exoskeleton like a suit of armor. It came complete with a spiked tip at the end of his beaver-tail, a retractable mace, and an eyepiece on his left eye, giving him on ominous presence indeed.

None of this seemed to bother Dr. Doofenshmirtz. "I know I'm always saying this during our little _tête-à-têtes_, but seriously, you're way overusing the black. Have you ever tried white lab coats? Nothing says 'evil' like a lab coat. Not that I'd know, since I'm the good guy here—I'm just saying."

Being too busy talking, the secret agent reacted too slowly when Perry the Platyborg pulled a lever to his side. A historical relic from medieval times known as the wooden stockade cartoonishly wrapped itself around the Doctor, trapping him by the neck and wrists. "A set of stocks?" Doofenshmirtz cried in disbelief. "This belongs in a museum!"

Carl the Butler approached carrying a drink perched on a silver tray. "Care for a cool glass of grape juice, Monsieur Doofenshmirtz?"

"Oh, thank you." Dr. Doofenshmirtz took a sip from the straw protruding from the cup, and Carl retreated to a back room. Looking back at his nemesis, Doofenshmirtz inserted, "Although the juice doesn't change anything—I'm still sending you the bill from my chiropractor after this. Now, let's get on with it. What evil scheme have you concocted this time, and how do you plan to use it to take over the Tri-State Area today?"

Perry pulled on another lever stationed beside the one he had just used. A curtain was pulled skyward, revealing a monstrous looking machine. A barrel the size of a boxcar was mounted to the floor, its turret angled slightly up. "Ooh, that does look pretty evil," commented Doofenshmirtz. "It looks like it's a—Public-Speech-Inator, maybe? Although it is kind of giving off a Sleep-Inator vibe. Or maybe it's a Mirage-Inator? No, wait! I bet it's an Ice-Age-Inator! Is that it? Is it?"

To each of these suggestions, Perry shook his head 'no.'

"You know," suggested Doofenshmirtz, "it occurs to me that your evil monolog-making needs work, too. I mean, what kind of evil scientist doesn't monologue? I know that you are a platypus, and therefore can't speak, but there's gotta be a better way you can present your evil plan, like a slideshow, or something."

Shooting his nemesis a fierce look, Perry pulled another lever. A cage descended via a cable from the ceiling. Inside the cage, Francis Monogram crouched, helpless to escape. "Dr. Doofenshmirtz, thank goodness you are here! You have to help me!"

"Francis?! You kidnapped Francis Monogram?" Doofenshmirtz accused Perry.

"We go through this exact same cycle every day," Monogram pointed out. "Don't act too surprised."

Now the cage dangled directly in front of Perry's device. The Platyborg hit a button, and the machine enveloped Monogram in a red beam of light. Before their eyes, the man was transformed into a platypus—teal fur, tangerine beak, beaver tail, and all. The process complete, Perry shut off the ray.

"Great googley moogley!" Monogram uttered, looking himself over. "I've been platypus-ified!"

"Oh!" Doofenshmirtz gasped in realization. "It's a Turns-You-Into-A-Platypus-Inator! Why didn't you just say so?" Taking a moment to think about it, he added, "But still, what kind of an evil plan is turning Francis Monogram into a platypus? Sure, I guess that's kind of evil, since he won't be able to, I don't know, wear shoes, o-or reach anything on the top shelf, or, um, use the toilet anymore, I guess. But how do you benefit from this? I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you aren't very good at being evil."

Wearing a smug look showing he was only too happy to prove the secret agent-scientist wrong, Perry twisted a knob on the machine controls, one that Doofenshmirtz hadn't noticed before. The dial changed from 'Francis Monogram' to 'The Entire Tri-State Area.'

Doofenshmirtz stared in bewilderment. "Okay," he squeaked. "That's evil."

* * *

><p>A satellite dish-shaped device poked out over the top of a bush, homing in on Candace and Jeremy as they walked down the street side-by-side. Phineas and Ferb shared the headphones that were plugged into the hearing-amplifier, each boy pressing one cup to an ear.<p>

"The weather sure is nice, isn't it?" Candace asked.

"Sure is," Jeremy replied.

"They're talking about the weather now," Phineas whispered. "That means they're starting to get pretty serious."

Meanwhile, a troop of Fireside Girls led by a Mexican-Jewish girl with jet black hair were hidden in the top of an overhanging tree, watching the boys through binoculars. "Which one is the one?" Addyson asked.

"The cute one with the triangle-shaped head," Isabella whispered.

"That's the one?! But—look at his nose!"

"I know!" Isabella removed her binoculars so she could cast a dreamy look into space. "It crinkles in just the cutest way when he laughs…"

The rest of the girls turned and gave her suspicious looks. Isabella, upon noticing this, commanded, "Get back to reconnaissance, ladies."

Little did they suspect that, in a room full of computer screens not far away, they were being watched by a bespectacled boy themselves. "All these spy cameras are coming in quite handy," Irving snickered, cracking his knuckles in a catlike stretch. Then he hunched back over his keyboard. "This is way better than when I used to spy on my boring neighbors!"

"Man, that is one huge nerd," Buford said, lying prone in a dumpster outside while watching Irving through his window, which was open. "I'm totally gonna be wallopping on him when school starts."

An unmarked surveillance van was parked just around the corner, two FBI agents inside monitoring the bully's every move. "Keep talking, son; you're just digging yourself a deeper hole," one of the agents muttered.

Unaware that they were being watched at all, Candace and Jeremy walked all the way home together. Phineas and Ferb made sure to beat them there.

* * *

><p>"It's not that it's a bad plan," Doofenshmirtz was rambling, "it's just that it's a tad cliché. There's movies about a lizard-person trying turn everyone into lizard-people, an ape-person turning everyone into ape-people, an alien turning everyone into aliens—I could go on and on. I give you points for ambition, but I'd say it's a fail on creativity. See, now taking over the Tri-State Area with a Zig-Zag-Inator, that's creative. That's the paradigm of creativity, there—."<p>

His rant was cut short as Perry pressed a strip of tape against his mouth to halt the flow of words. He groaned through the gag while Perry the Platyborg pulled a lever, and the ceiling retracted while the Turns-You-Into-A-Platypus-Inator rose high into the air. Dr. Doofenshmirtz tried in vain to escape his stocks and stop his nemesis. Totally unresisted, Perry activated his device, and a surge of energy rippled through the air.

* * *

><p>Phineas and Ferb burst through the front door. "Mom! You've got to come see what Candace is doing!"<p>

Linda emerged from her sewing room. "Hi, boys," she warmly greeted. "Check this out; I knitted a sweater with a kitten on it! Look at how cute it is!"

The boys barely even noticed. "Yeah, that's great, Mom. Now hurry up; if you look outside, you'll see Candace is hanging out with Jeremy Johnson again!" Phineas took her by the hands and pulled; Ferb got behind and shoved. Linda cried out in surprise as she was driven out the front door.

"See?" Phineas said, without bothering to check over his shoulder whether Candace and Jeremy were, in fact, coming down the sidewalk. "Look, just like I told you!"

At that moment, a flash of red light swept over the neighborhood, and Linda and her two sons were instantly metamorphosed into platypuses. Looking at herself and the boys, Linda said, "At the moment, Phineas, I'm more concerned with the fact that we all just underwent a sudden and drastic change in species."

"Woah, that is weird," Phineas said, inspecting Ferb's and his new bodies. "I wonder if this is one of those unanticipated side-effects of climate change."

* * *

><p>There was now a platypus nestled in the medieval stockade. Dr. Doofenshmirtz the Secret Agent Platypus realized that his body was much smaller now, and he wiggled his head out of the middle hole without much effort. Finally free, he tore off the tape smeared across his mandible and resettled his fedora lower on his forehead. "All right, Perry the Platypus, now that I have escaped your trap, you're in for a world of trouble, mister—oof!" Doofenshmirtz was cut off by a platypunch to the face. "Hey, no fair! I wasn't ready!"<p>

Perry didn't waste any time. He grabbed his nemesis and tossed him across the room into a pile of cardboard boxes. It took a second for Doofenshmirtz to pick himself back up. "I wasn't ready for that one, either! That's it, you know what? I demand that you give me a free shot, to make things even!"

The Platyborg rolled his eyes, then turned sideways and pointed at his own cheek: a clear indication that Doofenshmirtz was granted his request.

"Hold on, I just need to get warmed up," said the good guy. "I don't want to pull anything." This was followed by a series of breathing exercises and karate-like motions. "Hoo-ah! Hi-yee! Ho!" Then Doofenshmirtz made to attack Perry, but tripped on the same piece of cardboard. "Ow! I'm okay! Just getting used to the new body!"

* * *

><p>"It's also weird that we can talk," Phineas said. "You'd think that we wouldn't have human vocal chords if we were a platypus. We should only be able to make Perry's little noise thing, like this: Gllllllllllllllll…"<p>

"Gududududud…" Ferb tried.

"Gweeleeleeleelee," chirped in their mother.

"Gllllllllllllllll…"

"Gududududud…"

Gweeleeleeleelee…"

"Gllllllllllllllll…"

"Gududududud…"

"Gweeleeleelee…"

"What are you doing?" Candace asked, stepping into the frame.

"Practicing our platypus sounds," Phineas answered.

"Why?"

"Because we're all platypuses now."

"Oh." There was a brief moment of silence. "Wait, we're all platypuses now?" Candace first looked each of the others over in turn, then lastly herself, taking in this startling revelation. "Mom? Phineas? Ferb? ACH! How did this happen?" Her hands flew to her face to feel her beak.

"Beats me," intoned Phineas. "But look at it this way—now we can play with Perry! How totally cool is that?"

* * *

><p>"I am tired of playing with you, Perry!" Doofenshmirtz crowed in frustration. He threw a video game controller at Perry, who spliced the projectile with the whip of his tail. Doofenshmirtz's defenses lowered, Perry landed a karate chop on the lab-coat sporting platypus, then activated his rocket-foot and blasted off. Doofenshmirtz was just able to grab hold of Perry by his other ankle and was taken along for the ride into the skyline of Danville.<p>

The Platyborg looked down to see Doofenshmirtz dangling from his webbed foot and tried to shake him off. After a few swings of his leg, Doofenshmirtz's grip slipped, and he fell with a crash through the roof of the tallest purple skyscraper in the city.

"Dad?"

"Oh, hi Vanessa," Doofenshmirtz said, standing up from the pile of rubble he caused in his living room. Vanessa, even in platypus form, still had her distinct air of impudence for all things conformitive. "I see the ray affected you too."

"What ray? Was it yours?"

"No, not mine."

"You mean a ray caused this?" She gestured at her new body. "Now how do I tell my new boyfriend I'm a platypus?" Vanessa bit her tongue when she realized her mistake.

"You have a new _boyfriend?_"

"N-no," Vanessa revised, thinking fast. "I meant, um, my new boyf rend. 'Boyfs' are the latest fashion style, and mine has a rend. Which means, I, um, can't wear it now, now that I'm a platypus."

Her father seemed to buy it. "Don't worry, Pumpkin, I have been working on a new invention for just such a situation as this, and you'll soon be able to wear all the boyf rends you desire." He put his arm around her shoulders to walk her to his lab around the corner. "Behold! The Super-Mega-Deluxe-Jumbo-Supreme-Ultra-Superlative-Plus-Inator!"

"Whoa," Vanessa said, having to lean her head back to see all of it due to how big it was. "What does it do?"

"Weren't you listening to the name?" Doofenshmirtz replied. "You see, when I was a boy back in Gimmelstump, I entered a science fair with my very first Inator. I wasn't very clever with names then, it was just, 'Inator.' _This_ is the new and improved version! When I fire this, it might do nothing, OR—and this is a very big or, note how it's capitalized—if it can cause a long and convoluted enough chain reaction, it's got a shot of turning everything back to the way things are supposed to be."

"Are you sure?" asked Vanessa.

"I give it a one-in-four to the power of six hundred nine billion, two hundred twenty-seven million, eight hundred eleven thousand, five hundred ninety-two chance," said the Doctor. "Oh, and it takes so much power, we only get one shot."

Vanessa ran the calculation through her head. "That's not a very good chance," she said.

"Like I said, it would take a very long and convoluted chain of events, but eh, I've seen movies with worse odds." Doofenshmirtz took the plug that lay at his feet and inserted it into the wall outlet nearby. The Superlative-Inator charged up and fired its only shot.

"It's all up to fate now," Doofenshmirtz said, like a final prayer.

The pale blue light of the Inator's laser streaked through the sky, and the Mysterious Force began to exert its influence: improbability lost all meaning. The was an imbalance in the universe, and it needed to be restored. First, the beam struck a satellite in orbit, reflecting it back to earth. It narrowly missed the wing of an airplane ("And if you'll look to your right, you'll see a dangerous laser beam passing by," the stewardess' voice was heard on the intercom,) on its way through an open bedroom window, where it bounced off a mirror and back outside through the same window. Through the city it shot onward, reflecting off the window panes of skyscrapers many times before rushing off in a new direction.

It shot across the Statue of Liberty and bounced off the reflector of a tandem bicycle a young couple was riding.

It shot across the White Cliffs of Dover and bounced off the reflective glass of a lighthouse.

It shot across the pyramids of Machu Picchu and bounced off the mirror a tourist was using to apply her make up.

It shot across the Great Wall of China and bounced off an elderly man's bald head.

It raced back to Danville and bounced off the wing of Perry the Platyborg, who was still flying over the city, ricocheting into a carnival and through the entrance of a hall of mirrors. Back and forth the beam of light rebounded, until finally it shot back outside and hit, of all things, Francis Monogram the Platypus, who was still trapped inside his dangling cage.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Apparently due to the effects of the beam, the cylindrical cage was released and hit the ground at a roll. Out the room, out of the castle, across the drawbridge and over the moat Monogram rolled in his cage until he crashed into an apple tree. The cage door popped open, and Monogram dizzily clambered out. "I've got—such a migraine—right now..." An apple clopped him on the head. "Ope, and it's gone."

Isaac Newton's inspiration rolled down a gentle incline to a stop a short distance away from the tree. By sheer coincidence, at that exact moment, a groundhog poked its furry head out of the ground directly beneath the apple, which balanced perfectly on the creature's head like William Tell's assistant.

"Hey, little guy," Monogram slurred, still obviously doozy. "Are you an agent?"

Finally, a worm stuck its head out from a hole in the apple, signaling the climactic culmination of a most unlikely series of coincidences: Francis Monogram, the talking platypus, asking a groundhog with an apple balanced on its head if it was an agent, followed by a worm hole opening up. As if the strange and unusual nature of this event wasn't enough, a Giant Floating Baby Head wandered into view to release a giggling, gurgling burp. From the mouth of the Baby Head—the greatest, most inexplicable, and most powerful expression of the Mysterious Force—a freak wormhole tore open space and time, and into the wormhole the groundhog and apple were sucked.

All existence amended itself back into its equilibrated state in the brief moment the apple and groundhog spent inside the wormhole. In defiance of all logic or probability, normality was restored.

Here are the apple's thoughts during the consecutive moments of its existence following its reemergence back through the the wormhole: "..."

The groundhog, on the other hand, merely thought, '_Oh no, not again.' _Because the groundhog realized it had materialized in this new universe at an elevated point, and was now falling, it grappled onto the apple to cushion its landing.

_Agent P hammered on the self-destruct button with his fist. This time, however, the Inator didn't explode like usual. The button seemed to be jammed. He felt a shockwave of energy ripple through the air as Doofenshmirtz's device began to glow in an alien green light, fading and brightening in rapid pulses. _

"_I've got a bad feeling about this," commented Doofenshmirtz, who was standing not far behind on the balcony of his apartment._

The groundhog-apple combination, now moved upon by the Mysterious Force, hit the Status-Quo-Inator's self-destruct button at high velocity. The jammed button was depressed the final fractions of an inch, initiating the self-destruct cycle properly. Unceremoniously, the Inator blew up, covering Doofenshmirtz alone in a thick layer of soot.

"Curse you, Perry the Platypus," he coughed, while the groundhog landed unharmed on the top of his head. Agent P departed on his hang glider, the logo of his face plastered across the orange background.

* * *

><p>Candace pulled Linda the last few feet out the door and gestured to what she hoped was Phineas' and Ferb's creation immediately behind her, although she was more focused on her mother seeing it than double-checking that it was, in fact, still there.<p>

"The boys have totally ruined the back yard, leaving this ugly mess in its place!"

The backyard, of course, was empty, save for the kids standing in a group by the tree. Linda waved at her children. "Hi, boys!"

"Hi Mom!" Phineas cheerfully responded.

Candace stared at the scene before her in utter bewilderment.

"Oh! Is _this_ what you were hoping I would do, Candace?" Linda smirked. "You two are _so_ busted!" She pointed at her sons and winked.

"And, because it's Opposite Day, that means they're not busted," Candace groaned.

"Do you guys want to come in for some snacks?" Linda asked the gang.

"Is x² the integral of 2x?" Phineas answered in question form.

"Plus C," Baljeet muttered under his breath, although he quickly jumped in line with the rest of them.

Perry was there to lead the way inside. "Oh, there you are, Perry," Ferb said conclusively. As a fitting final touch, the sun was smoothly setting across the western horizon.

"And so everything goes on, the same as always," Candace drawled. "What a surprise. It's impossible to change the status quo around here."

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for reading! A big thanks also for The WGPM, who is now my songwriting-beta! If you liked this, be sure to go check out her <em>Waiting To Be Told<em>, another fanfiction for one-shot original episodes like this. It's really good. And don't forget to review/follow/favorite; lest the ire of the Mysterious Force come upon you!**


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